Image by jencu
Baby holders.
Our culture has a lot of them. We have carriers, car seats [necessary in the car, obviously!], swings, slings, bouncers, jumpers, walkers, strollers, and so many more. We’ve become obsessed with having places to put our babies instead of holding them. And yes, we’re busy, and sometimes that’s practical. But the bigger issue is that we put our babies down so we don’t “spoil them.” Because they don’t need to be held all the time. We have baby holders so we can “foster independence.”
That’s just a silly notion.
I’ll say, when I was expecting Bekah, I wanted all the baby holders. I believed all the stuff people said. I believed I’d need places to set her down, and that she didn’t need to be held too much. I believed that, at least to some extent, I needed to “train” her right away. I carried her everywhere in her car seat until she was about 6 months old. Shopping trips were seriously hit or miss, as once she got tired, she might go to sleep, but she was equally as likely to freak out until I picked her up. I remember taking her into church in her seat when she was around 3 months old and wanting to pick her up, and Ben saying, “No, just leave her, she’s fine. She doesn’t need to be held right now.” And that’s the way most of this country thinks about babies.
While I was pregnant with Daniel though, someone explained it to me this way: “When you’re inside your mother, you’re warm and held 24 hours a day. You’re snuggled in tightly, you feel your mother’s motion. You’re always with her. Then suddenly you’re born and you’re on the outside. Even if your mother held you 18 hours a day, often sleeping with you, this would be a huge reduction in the amount of time you were held. It’s no wonder babies cry to be held: they miss that close, warm contact with mom. And why shouldn’t they? Mom is who they rely on, literally, for survival.”
Ah…there it is.
Babies can’t be spoiled. They aren’t crying to manipulate. They’re crying for a real, biological need to be held, kept warm, fed, and safe. And they don’t become clingy if you hold them as much as possible. Quite the opposite. Studies have shown over and over that babies who are frequently held cry less, and are more securely attached to their parents as toddlers and older children. They know their needs will be met. They know mom is there. And so they feel confident to go and bond with others.
We rely too much on baby holders. When I see babies being carried in their car seats everywhere, then set down and ignored, especially when they are awake, my heart breaks for them. I can literally count on two hands the number of times I ever took Daniel anywhere in his car seat [I think it was 6]. He was never down. But he’s the type of baby who would have demanded, loudly and incessantly, to be held if I’d tried [as he did the few times that I did set him down places]. Moms, please don’t ignore your babies! If they are awake, hold them. Talk to them. Play with them. Enjoy them, rather than seeing them a small accessories [not that I think most moms really feel that way, but we do tend to treat babies that way sometimes. Better seen and not heard, right?]
Babies need mom. They don’t need fancy swings and cradles and bouncy seats. They really don’t. These things are nice, and they can be helpful at times. If you have to tend to an older child, or you’re cooking dinner [and holding a baby over a hot stove is not really very safe], you might need to set the baby somewhere safe. It’s not a bad thing to put babies in swings or seats sometimes. It’s not bad to carry a sleeping baby in somewhere in a carseat so they’ll keep sleeping. But those are things we should do for safety or temporary convenience, not as a matter of course. If we can hold our babies, we should.
Baby wearing makes this very easy [I think a lot of you knew this was coming!]. We’re lucky in that we do have a lot of options now as far as slings and wraps and all different types of carriers we can use with our babies. These carriers keep mom’s hands free, yet baby close. Babies very rarely cry in their carriers, and then only if mom hasn’t noticed earlier signs of hunger, or baby has a wet diaper.
I used a Moby wrap everytime I went anywhere with Daniel until around 6 months, then switched to a Mei Tai, which I continued to use [less and less often] until he was around 15 months. By 8 or 9 months he’d push back against me and strain to get out, because he could sit and crawl and he wanted to be with the “big kids.” Being worn or carried a lot sure didn’t affect his motor skills: he walked at 11 months and was quite steady before his first birthday. He crawled backwards at 5 months and forward, well, at 8. He sat at 4 months, very steadily at 5. The only thing I wish I’d done is had a second Moby for the house, so that I always had when while out [I kept it in the car] and I always had one at home, so I could get things done with a fussy baby. I have actually bought a second one already!
In a few weeks we’ll be talking more about baby wearing: the different options out there, what ages they work well for, and what different moms preferred. If you’re interested in being on a panel of moms talking about your experience with baby wearing, feel free to send me an email!
Moms: hold your babies. They’re only little once, and all they want is you. You are the center of their universe, their favorite thing in the world! Use swings and bouncers and seats when you need to, but make it your goal to hold your baby often. You’ll soon be rewarded with a baby who pushes himself off your lap and runs after his older sister, even if you wish he’d stay and snuggle a little longer! Plus you’ll have a wonderful, deep bond that will last a lifetime. Daniel still gets super excited when he sees me and launches himself in my arms and gives me kisses! It’s adorable.
How do you feel about baby holders? Do you use them very often? Why or why not?
I LOVED baby wearing. LOVED it. But I do have to say that I used the car seat a lot – both of my girls were born in January and we lived in Cleveland. I figured it was safer to carry them in the car seat than out when I was navigating the snow going from here to there. Once the weather was warmer the car seat stayed in the car, the sling went on, and we were off!
Plus, as a single mom working 2 jobs with 2 kids, I did have to set both of them down often, but that was just life for me. It was a little easier when I had just the one child though.
I have to agree with you on this one! I am a very experienced mom (ten kids, five boys and five girls) and I don't think we need all the junk. It takes up space and resources and nobody needs most of it. I also advise women to have a sling (or other carrier) at home AND in the car. Then you are never without it. Once they are wiggly though, I do have a swing or bouncer in the kitchen for cooking. When I need my hands, I have them. Mothering Magazine has a great downloadable pamphlet on safe babywearing using different types of slings, wraps, and soft carriers. It's brilliant and available on their website.
I LOVE my Moby (which is sadly MIA) and plan to have 2 of them for this next baby. I thought it interesting that you wanted 2 to keep one in the car and one in the house as I want 2 so I can simply wash one and still have the option of using the other in the meantime! I read somewhere online regarding Moby's and their length (that it can be messy to put on outside the house) and someone posted that they just put it on before leaving the house and wear it under a coat or whatever. I thought that was great as I practically then lived in it all day every day anyway. I think sometimes it's overwhelming for someone to think about putting a "carrier" or wrap on and then getting the baby into it, but for something like the Moby that you can leave on and just take baby in and out easily it's really no big deal!
I was at a local store the other day and witnessed a Nigerian man come in to purchase SOMETHING to help them hold the baby on themselves as the baby was very new and wanted to be held. It was common in his culture to carry them and he Mobyed like a pro when the sales clerk showed him how to use it. What a father! He came out in a complete snowstorm and left with an item most guys would be WAY TOO overwhelmed to even think about. Kudos to him- I thought it was very sweet!
I used a moby everywhere I went for the first 6 months with my son, someone actually asked me once if I had a carseat to carry him in. I told them, it was in the car that we were both happier with him on me. I switched to an Ergo once he was sitting up well and at 15 months still use it from time to time. I've tried a hip hamock and kelty backpack now that he's bigger and don't love either but I don't need it as often anyway! We had a swing and a bouncy seat which I already got rid of one b/c we never used it and he hated it. I LOVE babywearing!!!!
A car seat was the only one we ever used. Otherwise I "wore' my baby. We even shared a family bed. My oldest is 22 and my youngest is 10. Believe me, there is NO problem with independence!
With our first child due in about two months I've had a lot of people tell me that I NEED a bounder, a swing, and all these other devices to put my child in. It just never felt good. (And I hate having useless items cluttering my house anyway). I'm excited to wear my baby!
I remember with my oldest daughter using a bedsheet to wrap her on me. At that time, the only carriers I had seen were the crotch hanger types they have in big box stores. I had tried one of those and it was dreadfully uncomfortable but I knew I wanted to wear my child. In preparing for baby #3 I discovered TheBabyWearer.com and fell in love with all the ways you could carry a baby(much more fashionably than a bedsheet too). Now that #4 is here, I can often be seen with BOTH of them "riding" as my very well-adjusted independent 23mo old calls it. As much as I didn't want to, we are using an infant carrier carseat for the newborn. It's been a brutally cold snowy winter in Minnesota so we do carry it in places but baby comes out right away and goes into the ring sling or Sleepy Wrap. As soon as the weather warms it will stay in the car all the time. At home I have a bouncer to use while I shower, but that's about the only time it gets used.
Yup. I loved my Moby and now we've moved onto an Action Baby Carrier. I got it on sale and it's just great! LO loves it and he's nice and snuggly in the winter.
Well, for me I would wear my babies when we were out…my daughter is now 15 months old and too big for the sling I have for her (time to get a new one!) At home, my son never liked the swing and he didn't want to be placed in anything else for the most part until he was at least 6 months old. My daughter took to them a little better, and I thought it was good to have them for baby's safety if I had to leave the room…I didn't really wear them much around the house unless I was going to be working on the same task for an extended amount of time. Swings and such were also good to have when I needed to take a shower. You know, so big brother didn't climb all over the baby! Lol. But for the most part, the baby holders went largely unused in our house while baby was awake.
Yes, yes! We call them "Baby Containers" and I agree that they are used far too much. We are in Minnesota, and it is VERY cold, so sometimes lugging the infant carseat around is the most humane thing to do, as opposed to letting it freeze in the car and then putting baby back into it, or trying to unbundle baby every time you need to get out of the car. I don't like doing it, but I do when I must. I much prefer holding baby close.
I also find that another perk to holding your baby is that strangers are much less likely to touch your baby! In a carrier, they are always rubbing their hair or holding their hands, but it takes a much more intimate person to actually touch your baby when baby is laying on your chest.
My second baby is two weeks old and I am once again marveling at how people manage WITHOUT babywearing! I used a stretchy wrap with my first till he hit about 15 pounds (not long, he was a big baby), mostly outside the house. We didn't have an infant carseat, we used a convertible seat and were quite happy to wear our snuggly baby under our coats in a Michigan January. I was fortunate to have fallen in with a wonderful babywearing group so when the stretchy wrap began to be uncomfortable (and I needed to do a back carry) I knew I had options. I made a mei tai, which my husband still uses now that DS1 is two and nearing 40 lbs. I tried several woven wraps and loved it but didn't have the budget for them, so I used a doubled length of cotton gauze to wrap him till I received a Girasol wrap around his first birthday. Now that I have a newborn again, I can take advantage of his long sleeps to play with big brother by using my woven wrap in a high-back rucksack carry, which lets his head rest on my neck, secure and close. We're all happy–baby is snug on mama, toddler gets mama's full attention for a bit, and mama has two free hands and two happy boys.
I use a Baby Bjorn. We have a sling carrier but he does not like it. I think he gets too hot and now that he's more aware of his surroundings (4 mos) he likes to be able to see what's going on. We do have an exersaucer that comes in handy when I'm cooking. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen and I choose not to hold him, even in the carrier, while I'm working over the stove, blender, food processor, etc. That said, he is in the kitchen with me and I talk to him, explaining what I'm doing, how things work. He talks to me and we have our "conversations" while we cook.
We use the car seat to carry him to and from the cars (we don't have a garage) but if he's awake or wakes up when we get to our destination we take him out of the car seat.
I bought a Lillebaby (http://ow.ly/3C27e )with number two because it has a hip option. LOVE IT!
Cannot imagine not baby wearing. Thanks ~Jessica
I've loved wearing my babies with a homemade MobyWrap. It is so much more convenient and fun than a bulky stroller or carseat. Plus it meant extra snuggles with my little one.
However, I'm definitely not opposed to "baby holders." When I'm in the midst of cooking dinner (hot surfaces and knives usually involved) and my 3 and 4 year old are running around a 'baby holder' is the safest place for my baby. I hardly used them with my first two because I didn't have to worry about siblings running around. But with number three, it kind of became necessary. Actually he was a bit of an adjustment and led me to do a lot of things I swore I'd "never do." Never say never because the Lord has a way of using it to humble you later! 
We love babywearing around here! My first baby was very intense and colicky, and babywearing saved me (and him, probably!) I actually ended up making slings for friends, and then as a small home business. I got so annoyed with "slings off the shelf" that didn't fit mom or baby well – figured I could make them better! Can I share that link here, Kate? If not, feel free to delete it. If it is ok, though, my slings are at http://www.lullabyslings.etsy.com. Might help someone!
We don't understand people trying to maneuver a carseat around, seems impossible. Just the baby is so much lighter, and baby stays so happy. I'm the grandma, totally pro baby wearing. Our favorite at the beginning was the moby, and wrap of choice now for a two yr old and a one yr. old is the mei tai. Front or back, it keeps baby/tot secure. We did use a swing with the 2 yr. old, but it was right next to us while we sang to him, with occasional dancing and theatrics. I think babies should always be close, whether in a seat on the counter while you do the heavy stuff in the kitchen, or wearing them. Secure children are independent children.
I didn't do as much baby wearing with my first since I was clueless about all of that at the time. While pregnant with my 2nd, I bought a Moby and called it a day. LOVE my Moby!! I use it often for sure; however, sometimes that infant carrier comes in handy. Recently we were in a situation where I was VERY grateful that I decided to entertain my daughter while she was in her carseat. While in a waiting room, another mother had what can only be described as a horrible emergency. Her son was attacking her (I am sparing some intense details), and I had to help pry him off her and later restrain him. When I shared this story with family/friends, the first thing they asked me was where my daughter was. Thankfully, she was in her carseat. I took her out afterward, and yes, this was (hopefully) a rare experience, but I gotta say… they certainly have their place.
Now on our sixth babe, I have found that a moby is wonderful for those first few months especially, and an ergo thereafter. The moby is nice for it snuggles those wee little ones right where they want to be…and we have two hands free take care of other things as well. Also, the ergo has never given me a sore back, even as they grew, whereas so many others I've tried have. It was worth every penny I spent on it!
Want to make a homemade moby wrap–this will actually give you 2 moby wraps….for the cost of less than half of buying one new one? Then, check this out mamas!
Here's the link: http://vimandvigor.typepad.com/vim-and-vigor/2010/12/having-a-baby-without-breaking-the-bank-homemade-moby-wrap.html
Enjoy those babies!
Joy at Vim and Vigor
Agree completely. My son is 10 months old and still happy in his sling, though my back is not. He's a hefty 12kgs, but what makes him happy makes me happy. It's the only place he will fall asleep when we are out and I feel completely lost if the sling is not in his bag! The pram was *such* a waste of money, and I'm going to sell it and get a tiny little stroller if I go shopping or something, my back can't take his weight anymore for long periods. Nice post!
I got so much junk from my baby showers and in the end, my daughter lived in the Baby K'tan being worn on me for hours. I tell every new mom i meet to get a baby carrier and forget all the other stuff for the first few months. i also notice so many new moms scared of wrapping, which is why i recommend the Baby K'tan since it's basically already wrapped for you. so i think more new moms are likely to try it and the end result is what counts! I wish more parents would embrace babywearing it seems to strange that we actually have to teach it!
I really enjoyed your post! I came to babywearing after duly researching and registering for all the baby holders….that my baby refused to go in. Period. It didn't matter that it was the *perfect* snap-n-go stroller for his *perfect* carseat, or that the even fancier jogging stroller had a cushy and pricey bassinet…no dice. After a couple times of trying to push the dang stroller with one hand while carrying him in the other arm, I got a clue and got serious about babywearing! Strollers, bouncy seats, car seats, etc. all have their place, but you're so right that what babies really want and need is mama (or other loving adult) as much as possible.
My best hint with the Moby is to pre-tie it with the knot on your side before getting in the car. That way you can pop baby in when you arrive at your destination and not have to fool around with putting it on in a parking lot. Pop baby in and out as needed if you're running multiple errands — really, there's no need to take it off and put it back on multiple times a day!
If you find that your sling is putting too much weight on the one shoulder I would recommend a mei tai or a buckle carrier such as an Ergo or a Beco so you can do a really easy back carry. That way you have most of the weight transferred to your hips and it does leave your hands totally free.
I'm looking forward to wearing my little one come May, b/c I don't get to wear my kids much anymore at 3 and 5:)