PJAR72
**This post has been entered in Fight Back Fridays at Food Renegade!**
Last fall we talked about “Why I Don’t Support Cure Cancer Foundations.” Which was a monumental post. Read it if you’re new here. (I was shocked…I thought I’d seriously be hearing it from people who supported them…but I didn’t. A lot of people felt the way I do!)
Some interesting questions came up at this time, though. A lot of people were uncertain how to handle friends and family who asked them to donate to such organizations without offending anyone. Others were concerned about how they could help family members who might still be rather mainstream without offending them. It’s so hard when people we love don’t think the same way we do. We want the best for them, but we don’t want to disrespect or upset them!
So that got me thinking. What are the best ways to handle these situations?
Donate to Stop Cancer!
We all, sadly, know someone who has had cancer. Since cancer now affects 1 in 3 Americans, we probably all know several people who have had cancer! A lot of these people — nearly all — have gone through mainstream cancer treatments. And some are now actively involved in major cancer foundations. They walk, pledge, donate, and wear their pink proudly (or, whatever color/logo supports their particular foundation).
There’s going to come a time, if there hasn’t already, when they will approach you and ask you to donate to their cause. What should you say?
I believe in honesty. If you don’t support the foundation, you should not donate to it. But you don’t need to be rude about it. Here are some possible responses:
“I don’t prefer to donate to large organizations, sorry.” (no mention of why not…and if they ask you can say “I’m not comfortable doing so when I don’t know where my money’s going” or “I’m sorry, I just prefer not to.”)
“I would prefer to help you, personally. Can I bring you a meal? Can I watch your children? Call me if you need someone to talk to.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the money at this time. Is there another way I can support you?”
These are all potential responses. I think it’s important that you let the person know that you personally support them, it’s just the organization that you are not going to support/donate to. You don’t need to share your reasons unless you want to. And even then, it’s probably wise not to unless you think that the person is ready to hear them.
Remember, many people believe strongly in the mainstream medical community and truly believe that their lives have been saved by it (whether or not there were other options). If you suggest, even gently, that maybe they could or should have handled their illness another way, they may become very offended. Since you love them and want to support them, this may be a conversation you just need to skip.
Isn’t My Doctor/Treatment Great?!
People who are going through, or who have been through, successful cancer treatment may sing the praises of their doctors and their treatments. After all…their lives have been saved!
This may be hard for you to hear. You may be thinking, “If only you knew about real food…” or “If only you knew about alternative medicine…”
But you can’t say this. As long as the person is just sharing their story, it is best to just smile and nod, and say things like, “I’m so glad it worked well for you,” or “I’m so glad that you’re happy.”
If the person begins to offer you advice, it’s still best to smile and nod. Or you can say things like, “I’ll think about that,” or “I’d prefer to talk to my doctor first.” These are very neutral statements that they shouldn’t argue with.
If, however, you get a very persistent person on your hand, something like, “No, seriously, this is amazing, you really need to try this protocol, I’m not going to leave you alone about it,” you can either choose to continue to ignore it (probably best if you can, lol), or say, “Listen. You and I have different beliefs about health. That is not something that I would be interested in. Now can we change the subject?”
It is perfectly okay to state that you believe differently and that you would not like to discuss the subject further. You don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable.
I’m So Sick, I Don’t Know How This Happened!
I think this is the hardest situation of them all. When we’re talking about serious illnesses like cancer, these things don’t just happen overnight. In most cases, these illnesses take years to develop. Many cases are caused by the lifestyle choices that a person has made, as well as the environment they’ve been exposed to.
When someone has just gotten the terrible news that they have cancer, they may be shocked and overwhelmed. They may express disbelief, and they may not understand how it happened. They may blame “fate” or say “It’s just one of those things.”
Meanwhile, you may be able to tick off all of the choices they’ve made that have probably led to this situation: eating lots of sugar, eating refined carbs, not eating fruits and vegetables, lack of exercise, obesity, smoking, drinking…and so on. And you know that if they made some serious changes in their lifestyle, that they would live a better, healthier life (and just maybe this wouldn’t have happened).
I’m not suggesting that all cancer is someone’s fault. There are a variety of risk factors and some we have no control over. But in a large number of cases, there are some things a person could have changed that would have reduced his/her risk. Please understand that I am saying this because I, too, feel deep sorrow and compassion for people who are ill and I only want them to be healthy again.
It is hard to know what to say at this time. After the initial news, it’s probably best to say nothing but “I’m so sorry, I’m here if you need help.”
Once the shock has worn off and the person is looking for treatment options, it may be a good idea to drop casual hints: “You know, doing ______ made a huge difference in our health,” or “I read this book about this person who was cured of cancer by following this special diet.” If they are interested in learning more, they will ask. It’s important to phrase this as simply bits of interesting information, rather than any form of blame. They will not be happy to hear, “If you had made better choices, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” !!
Ultimately, though, we cannot make anyone change. We can only lead by example. Maybe, someday, they will notice that you seem to unusually healthy — and maybe they will ask why. We can only share as people are ready to hear it.
All we can do is love and support people where they are, and pray that they will come to a place of change…and that for now, they will be as healthy as they can.
How do you handle awkward situations like these?
What a wonderful and relevant post. I have this problem all the time. Recently, one of my best friends baby's developed seizures shortly after getting his DPT shots. They were told (of course) that the shots had nothing to do with their son's problem. I hope and pray that they don't give him the rest of his shots, but they don't seem to think this will be a problem. I just try to be supportive and leave my opinions out of our conversations.
Thanks for posting this. After years of frustration in this area, this is pretty much the attitude I've adopted, also. We have a large portion of our family (on my husband's side) that lives totally contradictorily to us. One member in particular, does not hesitate to call to light any "problem" she perceives with us or our kids and blames it on a variety of our alternative lifestyle choices.
I've watched my father in law suffer and die from cancer, our suggestions for holistic medicine falling on deaf ears. I've also watched my two sisters in law suffer from health issues that I KNOW would be simply solved by different food choices. I've also watched my mother in law recently battle an "unknown" condition that sent her into the hospital for an overnight.
It is intensely frustrating to watch these things and know that you have some help to give but that it won't be received. It's like watching a person drowning, paddling up beside them in a boat, and they refuse to get in.
I'm trying recently to ramp up our level of health consciousness so that the differences between us and others seem even more extreme so that we can do a little more leading by example.
Thanks again for great post!
I had something like this happen. I was at a knitting group and a girl there was talking about how her uncle had just been diagnosed with colon cancer (for the 3rd time). I said that our family friend had been diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized (spreading) breast cancer and was given 6-12 months. She completely changed her diet with the help of her doctor, homeopath and nutritionist working together. (She didn't do anything other than changing her diet, no treatments of any kind) And now the cancer is completely gone from every part of her body, she is completely cancer free 8 months after changing her diet. I then suggested that maybe her uncle could look into something similar if the current treatments weren't working. This girl I was talking to then proceeded to tell me that colon cancer couldn't POSSIBLY be caused by diet. I felt very sad for her and her family, but what am I supposed to do other than drop the subject. I felt like shouting "You idiot, how could colon cancer be caused by anything OTHER than diet!!?"
A wonderful article! Thanks for writing it. I have put your suggestions to practice many times.
My sisters child has NF. She was diagnosed as a baby, and a few years ago, I ran into a book that expressed how to treat certain illnesses with a change of diet and consumption of supplements. The normal treatment of this disease consists of sitting and waiting until tumors develop and trying to treat them if and when they do. Nothing proactive. I gave my sister a copy of this book, and specifically spoke to the author himself to find out specific treatment. I gave her all this information. To the best of my knowledge she threw it all away. Since we didn't have MD behind our name, she didn't feel we were worthy to listen to. Pretty much my entire family is the same way. They all take pills for everything, and never try natural remedies. I have just learned to 'smile and nod' and not say anything else. They won't listen anyway. By the way, loved the drowning/boat rescue comparison in a previous comment. Exactly as helpless as you do feel!! Just wish there was a way we could carry a small club around with us and knock some sense into some people!!
Great advice! When we were first married, Dh and I occasionally gave when people approached us asking us to give to cancer research foundations. Since then, we've questioned these foundations more (with many of the same concerns that your previous post mentioned) and stopped giving to them. When one of our friends' daughter was diagnosed with cancer, we opted to give to the family instead to help pay bills, etc. It was so much more exciting to be able to bless them in a more tangible way than by just giving "to the cause." Giving meals, time, money, like you suggest has the potential to be so much more meaningful for both parties.
On the flip side, one of my mom's friends was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and is going the alternative medicine route. Unfortunately, some friends with more "mainstream views" have not been very supportive of her decision. They aren't necessarily trying to be mean; they're just concerned that her decision might not be the best one. You just wish it could work both ways, you know?
My mother-in-law is having her entire shoulder replaced next Monday, and I'm so sad for her. Despite all the information we've tried to pass along and the changes in OUR health that she can clearly see (that we very vocally attribute to our changed eating habits), she would rather replace an entire body part than even try something natural and holistic to help her heal. I hate to sit on the sidelines and watch this happen, but DH says if I push the issue it'll just drive her away. So I'm sitting silently by and letting her make a choice that she can't undo, should she ever start to listen. But DH is right – I could see the moment that our suggestions and encouragement started to fall on deaf ears. It's hard to sit by when you know they're making a mistake. (Didn't really have a point here, just wanted to share my frustration with people who actually understand!)
On the flip side, just two days ago our next door neighbor's son came over and was asking for pledges for the "jump rope for heart" thing they do at the local school. My gut reaction was "no way am I giving ANY money to the American Heart Association" and had it been an adult I would have easily explained that I can't ethically give money to the AHA given that they're actively contributing to heart disease. But this was a cute little kid, and my general policy is to say yes to neighborhood kids and their various fund-raising efforts. I should have turned him down because I strongly believe the AHA shouldn't get my money, but my "neighbor kid fundraiser" policy overrode my belief. I gave him $10, skipped the lecture and I've felt lousy about it ever since. I guess I need to prepare a better explanation for kids. I managed to turn down the Girl Scouts just fine ("sorry, the cookies all have ingredients that we don't think are safe to eat."), so I should be able to come up with a better refusal next time I get hit up by a kid to support a cause I don't feel should be supported.
How do you handle close relatives that eat horrible diets and keep trying to feed it to your kids? I am having a horrible time with my in-laws. Their eating habits are so far away from our own that it's like we are talking different languages. My son has food allergies and they had never even heard of food allergies before except once in a movie. I'm pretty sure they thought I was making it all up. Just keeping them from feeding him foods he's allergic to is a battle. They forget what he's allergic to all the time. He has a peanut allergy and my MIL actually brought a bag of peanuts to our house when she was staying with us! When visiting my FIL he made macaroni and cheese and was shocked when I told him that my son couldn't eat it because there was milk in it. They are just not used to checking ingredients at all and eat mostly processed foods. Since it's such a battle just keeping them from feeding him foods he's allergic too I haven't had the heart to keep fighting everything else they try to feed him. My MIL fed him apple pie for breakfast this week. The next time he was there she gave him orange juice and a really sugary cereal and he was horribly hyper the whole day. We are trying to heal his gut from his allergy problems and when he eats a SAD diet he gets adhd symptoms. I'm frustrated but not sure how to educate them when they are positive that they eat healthy and we come from such different places.
I'm reading with interest the comment from the person who asserted that colon cancer is only caused by diet, and in fact went so far as to refer to another person as an idiot in regard to this.
Well, guess what (and I will refrain from name-calling): colon cancer is not ONLY caused by diet. I was diagnosed at 29 with colon cancer. There is a genetic component as well, and I am "fortunate" enough to be part of a family with something called hereditary non-polyposis colon cancer. My grandfather had it young, 9 of his 11 siblings had it, and my mother is currently in treatment for her second recurrence (third occurrence overall). You might want to check your facts before you call names.
Comment from reader Brenda:
I have thought about this post many times, and left it up in my tabs since you posted. It sure is a hard situation. I come at it from so many angles. When we were doing foster care for 10 years (50 children) food and lifestyle issues came up over and over. I was accused by the parents of "my" kids that I was being mean to them by not providing them the diet they were used to eating. By and large all of them "came around" before they left care, even telling me in later years that they were so glad for the food. We live in a small county and know the families pretty well even after the foster time and it was critical to me that I remained a good resource to them. But, there were times when food issues made me want to tear out my hair and not be particularly diplomatic.
Another way we've thought about it though is that my husband is a 2 time cancer survivor (two types) and it was pretty hurtful to hear anything that sounded like he deserved it in some way. We had to learn not to take it too hard when it was from those who cared for us. (I will interject that DH was a good balanced eater, good exercise, Godly, no bad health habits, young (age 20 and 35)and that these cancers were very serious and deadly, not "just" a mole or something.) Sometimes if a person can find a reason why something bad has happened to someone else (anything, a fire, a wreck, health concerns) that they can then avoid in their own lives it makes them feel safer and gives them incentive to live a certain way to avoid those consequences. However, to tell someone who is sick that they could have prevented it, and that you know how to treat it, would need to be done VERY carefully. I would hazard a guess that much of the time it would be better to err on the side of saying too little and offering loving support in another way. Recently a woman in our community developed ovarian cancer. I certainly don't have an answer about "why" but I left a standing notation to give her the eggs from my backyard that I leave at our food coop each week free of charge. It isn't much, but it's a little something.
So, I am a strong proponent of a healthy lifestyle and of alternative treatments but really try to consider my words and actions to work towards a healthy relationship with others before specific health recommendations. It sure was easier hearing and talking about health issues, for example, with my mom when my DH was sick than with those who just wanted to tell me why they wouldn't get cancer and if DH hadn't made mistakes with his life and treatment he could have not been sick. Mom cared and it showed in every word and action, and was a good example to me. For the record, after 16 years from the second cancer DH is one of the few survivors in his cancer group, and I thank God for His mercy.
Who is "DH"? Da Husband?