This post is the first in a new, brief series (5 – 6 weeks, or thereabouts). It’s still all unfolding. Before I explain exactly what the purpose of this series is, I want to explain to all of you what led to it, because I still can’t quite believe it myself.
I am convinced now that God works for our greatest good, and unleashes His biggest plans when we do not even see Him working in our lives. He is always there, but He may choose to lead us through some pretty dark and scary times before He reveals His true plan to us. And the end may be more than we’ve ever thought of in our very wildest dreams.
That is where I am now.
I’ve struggled a lot over the last several months. I’m not afraid to admit it now. I felt like I had to be perfect, that I had to be strong for everyone and appear professional and normal to everyone on the outside. And that included…everyone, even my own family. I tried to pull myself together, day after day, and do everything I usually did. But I was slowly failing, slowly becoming more stressed and less able to cope with what was happening around me.
We dealt with my early pregnancy and morning sickness, traveling and holidays, then being sick a couple times in Jan. and Feb., starting the GAPS diet, trying to reduce our budget and bills, me working more, and so on…all at once. Some days I thought, “I can do this.” Other days, I was sure that I couldn’t. I was less than patient with everyone around me, and I had no creativity left to deal with any problems or issues that cropped up. Much less could I be the awesome, creative parent that I wanted to be to my children.
Even so we were continually blessed with more work, and more opportunities regarding work (largely in regards to the blog). I was nearly handed the Babble job when I was at my most stressed but I took it anyway. None of this made sense to me. I struggled to see God in my life (from around Thanksgiving until this week). Why would I have to walk through harder and harder circumstances and still get handed more work and more opportunities there? I could hardly even see those things as blessings, though they were. I just didn’t understand why. Until this week.
The idea came to my head to write a particular post, that was entirely raw and emotional. And I did it, and published it, even though this is entirely out of character for me. (My friends and family, upon reading it, said, “What did you do?! This is not who you are! Why would you say these things?”) I really had no answer for them, anyway. I had written it during a very dark time, when I felt like the world’s worst and most impatient mother (which, believe me…plenty of people told me that I really must be). I don’t know what propelled me to actually share this with people.
It went beyond crazy. The raw, deep emotion in it brought out strong and raw feelings in those who read it. The subject was loving children unequally, or struggling to bond with a particular child. Some of you may have already read it. I wrote it out of sheer desperation, really, not any sort of rational, sane thought process. That was missed by some, felt deeply by others.
But it brought an overwhelming response. I heard so many stories: “I feel the same way sometimes, and I felt horribly guilty, like something was wrong with me. I thought I was the only one.” There were harsh critics, too. But there was a large enough group of women grieving, for feeling that way as parents; or having felt that way as a child (that their parent preferred a sibling; sometimes subtley, sometimes overtly). It brought up a huge issue for all of us.
Parents do not always bond with their children instantly. Sometimes they fall in love gradually. Sometimes they struggle with a child’s personality which does not mesh easily with their own. Sometimes particular children are “easier” than others, at least in some seasons. Some children require more from us. Sometimes children come to us under difficult circumstances (adoptions, foster children, step children) and we don’t know how to approach them. But we’re afraid to talk about any circumstance in which we may struggle to love a child, or be the best parent to a child. We’re afraid that if anyone knew we struggled, they would think that we did not care, that we did not try to bond, that we did not desperately love in the end.
For the record, I now understand why I wrote the piece. I felt entirely inadequate to be the patient, creative parent that my daughter needed me to be. It was easier, in my extremely stressed state, to want to revert from her and focus on my son. But it was not what she needed, nor what I wanted (nor even how I “typically” am). After writing it and understanding it as my own need to step up and be that parent, I’ve found myself so much more loving and patient, and so driven to become that patient, creative parent again. To reduce my stress and find a way to meet her needs and enjoy doing so. To not worry about all the ways in which I’m not perfect and just focus on having a loving, happy home. It’s been amazing to see the difference in just a few days — everyone is so loving and affectionate and amazing (at least most of the time!). We’re still constantly taking steps to make things better, everyday.
This is an issue that needs to be talked about. Parenting isn’t easy, especially during times of stress. It’s hard to be patient, creative, loving and fair all the time, to every child. When you’re pulled in a million directions at once, sometimes someone unfortunately gets left behind — often by accident. Some children are harder to “understand” than others, because they are people too, with their individual quirks.
We should not be afraid to admit this. Our children really are people and we are not born knowing how to raise them. They are not born with manuals on how to do so! Each parent-child relationship must be forged with determination, some more so than others. It’s not different than any other relationship: sometimes you meet someone you absolutely just “click” with and you forge an immediate friendship. Sometimes you meet someone that you do not “click” well with, you have to try harder to find common ground and appreciation for each other. This can happen with your child, as well.
What matters is that you know it, acknowledge it, and actively work towards finding that common ground and appreciation. That is what this series is about. How to work towards that even amidst struggles of mis-matched personalities, stressful times, “high needs” children, and more. We’ll address blended families, adoptive families, or other types of “bonding later in life.” We’ll talk about bonding at birth — and what happens if you don’t (all is not lost!). We’ll talk about maintaining and continuing to improve bonds with special needs children or those who are, in any way, a special circumstance for you.
If you have a story that you would like to share, or questions that you would like to ask, please send them to me privately. We can do this anonymously if you choose.
And please, due to the very sensitive nature of this subject, have compassion and respect for your fellow parents. Each and every person loves his or her children and wants to be the best possible parent. And that is why we are talking about this. Should we receive any negative or derogatory comments directed at any parent, they will be immediately deleted. This will be a positive and safe space for parents to discuss, honestly and openly, the challenges that they face in loving and bonding with their children.
I now understand that God was leading me towards this: opening up this very important and personal discussion, and helping parents who feel that they truly are alone. A couple other bloggers will be contributing to this series, too — it’s becoming an amazing collaboration to bring light to a very painful and difficult topic.
Have you ever faced parenting challenges that you felt you could not discuss, or were ashamed to discuss?
Here is a link to the original post. I hesitated to put it in here (although truthfully it’s not exactly hard to find right now) because I want everyone to understand that this piece was written during a time of deep stress, and is an expression of my worst thoughts as a parent. If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you probably understand that it in no way reflects on our daily life. I am hoping that other mothers can relate (which, the number of personal emails I get daily suggests they can), and that fact is why we are doing this series. Here it is: Mom Confession: I Think I Love My Son Just a Little Bit More.
Hi Kate. What a thoughtful post. I had not read your previous post that you are referring to but I'm sure it was helpful to many people. However, my only fear would be posting such deep feelings on the internet for your daughter to see later in life. I think there are some struggles children should never know that we are going through, and this may be one of them. I guess what I'm saying is that this is kind of a fine line, admitting some difficulty and the child can probably sense it anyway, versus just coming out and saying it but hopefully the child will never read it. How do you feel about that?
Shannon,
I have been asked that over and over again. I am not worried about it. It is unlikely that, by the time she is old enough to use the internet independently, that she would just "happen" to stumble upon it. And it's something that we will talk about as she gets older. It's something my mom and I talked about. We speak openly in our family. I would want her to know and understand, at an appropriate age, the worst things that a mother might think or feel (because I know that she will be secure in our love for ALL our children, including her, at that time) so that when she has children someday she will not feel terrible and guilty and alone if she, too, struggles. I have spoken openly with my own mother about this as an adult and so appreciated it.
I'm with Kate. My mom and I have had conversations about her trials and issues as a parent and I've found that it brought us closer and helped me be a better mom. We had a rough relationship when I was a teenager and young adult, but now that I know everything she struggled with, it makes it easier to deal with. I also knownow the things she had trouble with when I was a child, so I don't feel so alone when I have trouble with those things too.
Kate: Kudos to you for being brave enough to share your feelings. I have not had an opportunity to read the post you mentioned yet. I think all too often Christian moms feel they need to hide their struggles because somewhere along the way we started to beleive that being a Christian meant we didn't have any negative feelings about parenting and/or our children. I appreciate your honesty.
My son is only six months but we went through a rough time with sleeping and every night I seemed to turn into a grumpy, short tempered person that I was not when the sun was up. I'd pray and pray and every night my emotions and lack of sleep would take over and I was so irritated with our son that I could have screamed. Mind you I love him, I did not want to see him cry and be miserable and I did nothing to hurt him but I just felt such dispair I didn't know what to do. I was ashamed of my feelings and emotions and I struggled to talk about them. I had to be the only mother who felt like her child was just trying to keep her awake (obviously that was and is not the case but after months of not sleeping, working full time durng they day and running a household I was not thinking rationally all the time).
Luckily we have a wonderful church body that is open and accepting and nonjudgemental. Finally, after much private prayer and some coroporate prayer at church one Sunday my husband and I had confirmation on handling the night time situation and within a week things were ten times better.
I'm totally in, lol, where do I sign? I really do think you're sharing is fantastic. I also don't think that your little girl is going to suffer for it. Frankly, knowing that you struggled, how hard you worked for the relationship I'm sure you'll have with her when she is a mother, will undoubtedly make her own parenting journey better.
I get what you are saying. I don't agree but I understand it. However, I did look at the comments on the second Babble article and saw you yelling at other commenters that you didn't have to justify anything to them and, basically, told them to shut it and walk away if they didn't like what you had to say. I'm very uncomfortable with this sort of behavior (for the record, I also didn't like many of the comments directed toward you, either). I came to this site a couple of months ago to find resources and information for natural living and real food. I think it's best if I go elsewhere for that.
I hope that you have a healthy pregnancy and birth of your little one.
Johanna,
Yes, I got angry. Yes, I found the situation VERY frustrating. And yes, I actually DID apologize for it later in that thread…which was missed. It is very, very difficult to hear 500 strangers tell you that you are a horrible mother. While I am a professional, I am also human. I am emotional and I am affected when that many speak to me harshly. To say that I shouldn't become angry — especially given some of the hate that was spewed at me, some of which was SO harsh it had to be deleted immediately — is just not right.
Was it a moment of weakness? Yes. Should I have refrained from it? Yes. And as I said, I did apologize for it later, in the comment thread. It WAS wrong and I'm not excusing that.
I'm just saying, it needs to be understood that I should not be held to a higher standard than everyone else, especially given what I was facing, which was extremely difficult for me all the way around. I've had one of the most stressful and difficult weeks of my life because of this situation. It is just impossible to listen to that many people tell you what an awful person you are and not react strongly and emotionally. At that moment I had no support around me, no one to turn to. Typically I would — and did — vent to my close friends and family as I needed to. That was a moment of weakness for sure.
So, again, I do apologize for unprofessional behavior and hope that some can understand why I would feel weak in such a situation.
After reading the post you're referring to, I've decided to unsubscribe from your blog. I can understand if you did not understand the ramifications of your original post. But, after all the comments you received, you still continue to support it, that's what I disapprove of. Here's why:
1. Though you state you had an open relationship with your mom, not all thoughts and feelings are meant to be shared. There is a reason God tells us not to speak hastily. We should think before we speak, especially before we say something so personal via the internet. Imagine if a husband told his wife he loved his previous girlfriend more than her since they have an open relationship. How could that ever be beneficial? It will only stir feelings of jealousy.
2. Though when you tell your daughter these things the emphasis will be on how you are not perfect, she will not be able to help but feel hurt. She will wonder, "what if only I did this…." instead? It's hard not to personalize such thoughts
3. Though you've stated many other women have thanked you and felt the same, it doesn't make the feeling okay. Though it may even be "normal" (I don't know, I only have one child), it doesn't make it OKAY. Your daughter's feelings come before 100 other women on the internet who have now been validated by your negative emotions.
4. It's fine to talk about the worst things a person may feel, but not if those feelings are directed at the person. And yes, it may be a struggle for some but not all people so that doesn't even mean your daughter will struggle with it later.
5. Some things are PRIVATE. My goodness. I am so glad no one except God can read my mind sometimes. If you are struggling with this, go to one or two people and talk about it. Pray readily.
I had trouble sleeping after reading your post. Sure, other women may have came on and said "kudos" or I've felt the same way. But I'll reiterate that doesn't make it okay. Why in the world would I want to read your series on bonding if you've had these issues? I may expect these raw emotions from someone who doesn't proclaim to be a Christian. But, not from you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, I was just blown away. When Jesus says "do unto others", do you want someone telling you they don't love you as much? I sure wouldn't….
Goodbye Kate and I hope you'll reconsider.
Actually, as Christians, we ARE called to a higher standard. We're to be in the world but not of it. I never said that you shouldn't be angry; I completely understand why you were. Thanks for your response and apology; I really appreciate it.
Shannon,
I needed to take some time to think about your post before putting it here, because I wanted to respond to it. I know you've been following me for a long time, so I wanted to somehow explain.
In leaving the post out there, and in beginning this series now, I am not "excusing" those feelings, or what I said. It was very hard to say, and feeling that way is not a good thing. I believe it is "normal," and so we should not shame women who feel this way. Many have assumed that, based on my reaction (leaving it, continuing to post) that I was somehow saying "this is just the way it is." And that is not my intention AT ALL.
I do regret having written it, honestly, and more, having put it out there. I wish that I'd thought it, explored it, prayed about it, maybe even written it down and shared it with my husband, my mother, my pastor. And then ultimately written this series after all was said and done, and this would have been the first anyone had heard about it.
My intention in being "unapologetic," then, is not for the feelings themselves, but for admitting that I'm wrong to feel this way and that I do want to change, and that I want to help other women change too. I've left it out there as a motivator to myself and other women that we never have these feelings and then do nothing about them. No, it is so crucial to address this so that women can change while their children are still young! I allowed myself to finally admit that I had these feelings so that I could say, "This is not the kind of mother that I want to be. This is not the kind of mother that I usually feel I am. This is not what I want my children to remember," then immediately take steps towards changing. I am not ashamed that these feelings were the catalyst for that change, because it was needed and it is happening.
I'm not writing this series because I have all the answers. I'm writing it because I'm hoping other women will join me on my journey to be a better mother. I'm sharing only what I know and have experienced so far, because that is all I have to share. We can help and support each other as we work to become the mothers that we deeply desire to be, knowing that none of us are or ever will be perfect.
That is why I have chosen to share, despite the possibly deep ramifications of doing so. To inspire mothers to change while they still have time (if they need to) so that they don't become one of those people who said, "I wish I'd done it differently." I've heard those stories too. It's something we talked about (among our family and pastor) and prayed about repeatedly. We've been in frequent contact with our parents and our pastor and it has been a very difficult decision. But, we decided for a number of reasons that we don't even understand that God is using this situation to help us and others. That is where we are called right now.
I hope that you can understand this. I have considered my daughter's feelings and continue to everyday. I can't ever walk away from this; I know it. I will have to own up to her someday about everything that has happened and why, and she may be angry with me for awhile. But I hope that because of the changes I'm making now, that we will be close enough that she will come to understand why I did this, and how important it really was to so many people — including our relationship. But I won't know until I cross that bridge, and none of us can possibly really speculate or know until then. In the mean time I have to do what I think and continue to pray is best.
I've said a prayer for you Kate.
And, you can walk away from it. She's only a little tike yet and still forming lots of memories.
Your response brought tears to my eyes. It's not too late for anything. Your feelings are out there, now maybe others can help. May the best come from this situation.
Before staying home, I was a counselor and worked with many foster parents and pre-adoptive parents on attachment issues. Bonding and developing close relationships. The amazing thing to me was watching children who had been through severe abuse and neglect bond and attach to a new caregiver. If those children can do it, you and your daughter's relationship will be just fine. You care and that's what really matters.
I actually snooped around to find a way to contact you to give you my support. I'm so sorry about the controversy, especially now that I see that you're pregnant. I have to say that I instantly understood your message as soon as I saw that your daughter is 3. They warn you about the terrible two's but everyone is too shell-shocked from the 3's to be able to articulate it. Three is SUCH a hard year. I'm sure most people have wanted to sell their 3 y/o's to the gypsies. One of the best advice I was given was the idea of seasons in our lives, so you're in a season where you favour your son a wee bit more, it'll pass. You're aware of it and you're doing your best – keep up the good work! Wait until he's 3 and your daughter is a fun, articulate 6 y/o! You'll want to sell HIM to the gypsies then!
One more thing! I also know that the qualities our kids have that drive us CRAZY, are the ones that will serve them the best when they're adults. Your daughter is going to change the world!
I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with your daughter. Reading some Christ centered(not psychology based) child training books and websites has helped me bond with my son so much more because he is so much more enjoyable. When he obeys and when he knows who is running the show he feels secure and most of the acting out stops. It is hard to like someone that you are chastening all the time, especially the stubborn personalities. Please take the time to read some of this website, God has used it to change my families life.
http://raisinggodlytomatoes.com/
I'm in favor of your post. My mom was always open with me about the hard times parenting me. We both know about stages in my life where we didn't get along well, where we were completely miserable. We also know that she was slow to bond with her firstborn, my brother, because she had PPD and he had colic and she was in college. It's just part of our lives, and my mom has always felt that we deserve to know our history, even the parts we don't remember and those that aren't so nice. I think that, on the off-chance your daughter ever sees this article — which I think is highly unlikely, considering how much you write and how little of it she is ever going to read — she will understand, and it will be something you two have probably already talked about. Could a daughter really be offended by her mother saying, "We had a hard time when you were a baby, so it was hard to get to know you. And sometimes it's hard to get along with you because you're so much like me"? I'm sure these are things she will readily understand, even at a fairly young age.
And I understand where you're coming from, too. My son and I didn't bond well at birth or in infancy either. It was only when he was a few months old that I really felt he was mine. Because of this, I'm really thankful that he's my firstborn. He had the advantage of all my effort to understand him, bond with him, learn to love him, without having to share. I hope that I bond well with my next child, because I won't have that kind of time then.
Though, in a way I feel sorry for my other children (if I have any) — none of them will ever get to be the only child, or get that one-on-one, all the time attention that my firstborn gets. They will all get a different part of my heart, and I do believe God arranges it so that they will get what they need, if I put my focus on loving them.
Sheila,
I worried about that SO much when I was pregnant with my second and in the first couple weeks — that my future children would "suffer" from not getting my full attention, and that I was "pushing aside" my first. In the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, I thought, "WHAT am I doing?!" But now they have this amazing bond and friendship (really, even at their young ages) that I would never trade. If my son trips and falls and she's closer, he'll get a hug from her before heading for me. If he gets in trouble, he turns to her. He listens to what she tells him to do (sometimes fabulous, like if she reminds him to say thank you; sometimes not so much…like if I just said not to do something!) Sure, my attention is divided, but in some ways it always was (the dishes and laundry don't do themselves…and my husband needs me too!). I feel like we've just strengthened overall family bonds as we've added to our family so far. It IS a huge worry before you have a second child but I really am thrilled with everything we have now.
I will continue to receive your posts. Reading real live human struggles, although maybe not the same as mine, somehow makes me feel that I'm not the only one. I'm much older than you, I raised four kiddos, and you know, we all went through those kind of phases. One of my girls was always the most difficult, and remains so into adulthood. I now have her and her child living here. I know God has some kind of plan for all of us, we don't always see it right away, or we see it in increments. One of my goals is to learn to trust God. I don't really trust anyone very often, so I have to work extra hard. Kids by the way see things differently than us later on. With all the talking in our family, the girls thought for a while that my son was the favored child, then they thought it was the youngest. They all understand now that sometimes one of them needed more special attention at certain times. It is still that way. We of course love them all, but we don't always like their actions or behaviors.
In regards to the last question……"do you have parenting questions you are afraid to discuss?"….I have a question. If any moms want to address it here, in the comments, that would be great (or in a post, etc).
I currently am married, but we don't have any children. We do want to some day, but I worry about something, and it does bother me. I know this sounds really narcissistic, and I completely get that……but I sometimes wonder how I'll connect with my children if they aren't like me, and are more like their dad, my husband. Him and I fell in love hard, in an opposites attract kind of way……..but he is the perfect example of the kind of person I wouldn't necessarily be friends with, but that makes a perfect life partner for me. Does that make any sense? I am a highly communicative person (with a very high IQ too, and I'm not sure if that plays into it…will discuss more below), and he is definitely not communicative, not sure about IQ (the reason I bring up IQ is that the last time I asked people about this, it was part of my question). But the point is that we struggle in communicating, and I find it frustrating. Mostly, I find it difficult to feel understood when I speak from the heart. Sometimes I feel I have to rephrase things in a way to make sure he understands, and he isn't often willing to go too deep into conversation with me, which may just be a personality thing. But sometimes for me, getting any kind of conversation going, the type that I like (kind of more deep than just surface topics) is like pulling teeth.
But such is life, and I've moved on from that. Luckily, we have patched over most of that frustration, and worked around our issues, through both of us making compromises. Him and I are perfect together….we don't spend a lot of time deep in conversation anyways (who really has the time? Most of life is lived doing simpler things). But I often think that I couldn't handle 1-3 ore more other people in the family like that, on top of him, since just getting my point across to him can be like pulling teeth. It's more like a feeling of disappointment, but then feeling like I shouldn't be disappointed, because it's not fair to the person I'm frustrated with that I have such high needs in the area of communication.
So I guess, to put my question simply and bluntly and more generically….how would you handle it if none of your kids were like you? I understand that as kids they will be kids, but I worry more how things will be when they are older, like age 15+. I worry about the bonding at that age, and if just communicating will be as hard as it was with their Dad (my husband). I brought this up on a Mom's forum, and got completely blasted for it….much like Kate did with her thoughts/fears. I also brought IQ into my question on that forum, because often I wonder if the reason I have a problem connecting with others is my high IQ, since most of the people I have an easier time with also seem to have high IQs. But it could also be whether or not someone is highly verbal, etc. That may be more likely the issue, in fact. So the question would become, how would I handle it if none of my children were very verbal?
I just know what hubby and I have gone through, and I think our romantic love for each other is what pulled the relationship through rough times where I felt the emotional connection was lacking due to poor communication (what I perceived as poor communication; he thought it was fine for his needs).
If any moms have insight into this, I'd appreciate it. The main problem is fearing these thoughts…..like if I'm so worried about this, maybe I should just not have kids? And how horrible does that sound–that I hope they take after me in that area, not him?… And I"m afraid of how I'll feel about them if they don't? OMG, it sounds terrible. I know I will still love them, but I dread having to go through that same frustration again, because I know I will want to bond on that level, and I know how hard this was to adjust to my husband's ways.
So maybe God's lesson for me is learning to NOT need people to be just like me, for me to bond with them? But I gotta admit, I struggle with it. I think part of the struggle is that I feel guilty for marrying my husband, because I KNEW this communication thing was an issue going in. I have gotten over OUR struggles, but I fear the future struggles now. So I feel like, if my kids are the same way, I already saw this coming……..and it would have been my fault, creating for myself a family that maybe I just don't fit in with. Crazy, I know.
I'm hoping that if they take more after him, that it will be more an issue of how the child is raised. As in, maybe it was the environment my husband grew up in…..no one in his family communicates much, so maybe he just never had practice. That is what I'm hoping, that environment one is raised in will make up for it. What do you moms think? Have you ever thought it would be rough if all the kids took after your husband in a certain area, that is a problem area already in your marriage?
Anyways, that question is something I framed differently when I was ripped apart for asking it……because I was emotional and exhausted before, I framed it more like, "what if my children have a low IQ and I don't get them and they don't get me?" Because at my worst, that is what I fear. I know this sounds silly, but I actually did have problems in school, forming friendships and bonds, because I would get bored easily with some people…..whereas, I bonded readily with some people that for some reason I would click with, that I felt understood me. I realized thanks to some comments, that it could be more a personality issue, not IQ, like I said. (so please, don't rip me apart!)
So another way to put the question is……what to do if you and your kids have not-a-lot in common…..? And I know some of the things I've brought up here will probably bring up strong emotions…..so please, no negativity. Trust me, I read hundreds of comments before when I asked this on a forum, some urging me to never have children, some telling me I was a sicko, etc. So please, only things that will point me in the right direction, like useful insights from your own experience, etc.
I have to say that I had to work to track down your posts. I happened across the one on Babble with Shame in the title and really wanted to read that. Then I saw that there was a controversy. I'm not sure what the editors changed in your Confession post but the version I read was not that bad.
I really don't understand the problem. Unless it is striking a chord in people that they don't want to admit to. I grew up knowing my mom preferred my sister. Everyone saw it. Some even asked me about it. My mom steadfastly refused to admit it and said it was my faulty memory and a number of other excuses. I honestly feel that if she had ever admitted it and said she was sorry things were that way, I could let it go.
My perspective is that it would likely not harm your daughter to read that post in the future. If she read it she would find out that you realize that you know you aren't perfect and made plans to improve the situation. And that even through it all, you did love her. It's a lot better than feeling there was something different but never having those feelings validated. She's a lot better off than children of parents who behave less loving but insist there is nothing wrong. And those parents, not acknowledging any difference, will never try to make it better.
I applaud your bravery in sharing and pray for your success in making your family the strongest it can be.