Loving and Bonding With Our Children: Love is a CHOICE, Not a Feeling

Image by Elizabeth/table4five

This is the first “official” week in the new series, Loving and Bonding with Our Children.  You can read last week’s intro post to learn more about why I’m writing it, and what the goals are.

Love is a choice, not a feeling: this is a very, very important point that all of us, as parents (or those with other family relationships) need to remember.  We’re so used to having love defined by our culture as a “warm, fuzzy feeling.”  But it is not that.  It is easy to see that if we define love as a feeling that we have, that we may love people sometimes and not others, or we may love some more than others, depending on the circumstances and how we feel about them at the time.  Believing that love is ’just a feeling’ is one reason why we have so much divorce in our society: when that ‘warm fuzzy’ feeling goes away, couples are not motivated to work through struggles and believe divorce is the answer (yes, I know that is not always the case, but too often I believe it is).

Do we, as parents, truly love one child more than another?  If we define love as that ‘warm fuzzy feeling’ — then yes, absolutely.  It may change from time to time or season to season which one we “love” more.  Because in this definition, we are stuck with only our feelings to guide us.  Sometimes children go through difficult phases or display unlikeable behaviors.  Especially if this goes on for a season — or worse, if our personalities just don’t mesh well, something we’ll talk about in a few weeks — it can be really, really hard to feel that we honestly love the ‘difficult’ child as much as the other child(ren).

This does not make us bad parents.

In fact, this only sets us up for parental guilt.  We feel terrible that we don’t ’love’ our children equally, and believe we really should have the same warm, fuzzy feelings for each child, regardless of the circumstances.  But we are human.  We cannot help how we feel.  Difficult behavior irritates us.  Children who present us with an unusual challenge — whatever the reason — are harder to feel warm and fuzzy about.

This does not mean that we don’t love our children, however.

Because love is not a warm and fuzzy feeling.  Love is a choice, and an action.  Everyday when we wake up, we make the choice to love our children.  

We love our children:

• When we are there for them, even if we are tired and frustrated
• When we provide them with clothes and toys
• When we prepare them nutritious meals
• When we strive to be as patient as we can
• When we hold back a sigh and say, “Tell me what you’re thinking,”
• When we discipline in love instead of anger
• When we do something for our child “just because”

There are a thousand ways that we choose to love our children each day.  And by this definition, we do love our children equally.  We provide for their needs, different though they may be.

If my husband does something I don’t like, I may be annoyed.  I may want to spend a short time by myself.  I may even rant and vent to him about why I am annoyed.  But I can still choose to do his laundry and make his favorite meal for dinner.  I can still show that I love him, even though I am temporarily annoyed with something he has done.  This is the same with our children.

When you help them get dressed, make them breakfast, and take them to school — you are loving them.  When you pick them up, feed them a snack, and ask them how their day went — you are loving them.  You are caring for their physical and emotional needs, even if you do not feel so “warm and fuzzy” on that particular day.

A lot of parents also get caught up in the idea that we need to show our children physical affection to let them know they are loved.  But there are many ways to show children that we love them.  Physical affection is just one way.  

The book The Five Love Languages, is an excellent book that everyone must read.  The five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• Meaningful Gifts
• Quality Time

While certainly everyone needs a mix of them all, there are usually one or two “primary” love languages that each person “speaks.”  We tell people that we love them by learning to speak their love language, even if it is not our own.  (There is, I believe, a version of this book specifically for parents on raising children.)

If your child’s love language is “Words of Affirmation,” then your child will thrive on hearing you praise his/her personality traits.  For example, “I am so proud that you chose to help your friend when no one else did.  That is a wonderful way to reach out.”  (It is better to praise desirable traits than achievements, since we want our children to focus more on ‘who’ they are than ‘what’ they do.)  To a child whose love language is “Meaningful Gifts,” however, these words may not mean that much.

Especially when we are not feeling so warm and fuzzy, we can try to determine our child’s love language and specifically reach out to him or her in this way.  This is a major way to love your child.  It also may have the side effect of your child becoming more “manageable,” behavior-wise, because s/he feels so much more loved and appreciated.

When we look at love this way, we can always love our children.  We always choose to love our children, no matter how we feel.  We do not need to feel guilty for not loving everything our children do, or every phase they go through.  We need to remember that we are human, too, and we cannot change those feelings.  We can change our actions, and we can choose to love our children deliberately each and everyday.

For us, that has meant that I have paid more attention to Bekah’s requests.  She asks me to hold her or give her “five kisses” — or, she wants to sit and talk to me and tell me all her thoughts.  Her primary love language is “quality time,” and secondary is “physical touch.”  I have made an extra effort, even if I am annoyed, to take the time to listen to her and to let her sit with me or give her hugs and kisses, at her request.  Already she is happier, she is not likely to be defiant (at least not rudely!), and she requests this attention more (instead of acting out).  Focusing on specifically trying to love her has helped us a lot.

(Although — I feel I need to note — that things were never as bad as the impression I gave initially.  We had some bad days that were more like what I wrote about, but these were generally the exception, not the rule.  It has still benefitted us to be more deliberate, though, and my attempts to choose to love are spreading to every person in my life!)

Do you choose to love your children everyday, even if you don’t always feel so warm and fuzzy?