Loving and Bonding With Our Children: Difficult Phases

Image by Elizabeth/Table4five

Recently, we’ve been talking about Loving and Bonding with Our Children.  We’ve already talked about Love is a CHOICE, Not a Feeling; and Is it Okay to Love Children “Unequally?”  Don’t miss those posts if you’re new here!

Today we’re talking about difficult phases.  All children go through them, and sometimes they can be rather unlikeable during these times.  How do we handle it? 

Difficult Phases

Talking to many of my friends, “three” is a really difficult phase.  All our kids are just mature enough to talk well and know what they want (often times, awesome), but not mature enough to really have self-control or understand why they “shouldn’t” do something.  Hence, they argue more, and more deliberately, than they did a year ago…but don’t have the maturity to desire to obey like they will in a couple more years.  It makes for some tough days.

There are certainly difficult phases before and after this.  The infant phase, when some babies are up 8 – 12 times per night (ahem, my son) and refuse to be put down, for one….  I don’t have older children so I can’t speak specifically to difficult later phases, but I’m sure all of you experienced mothers have your own “favorite” times.

Remember Love is a Choice

This goes back to the first post.  We have to remember that love is a choice.  We are going to choose to love our children each and everyday, no matter what is going on.  We may feel very much not warm-and-fuzzy during these phases.  That is okay.  What is important is that we make a choice to love.

A lot of parents feel guilty if they don’t feel warm and fuzzy.  They love their child, but at the end of the day, they’re exhausted and exasperated by the events that occurred.  They want to feel happy and loving and amazing…and they just don’t.  They’re relieved that it’s bedtime and the day is over!

But really?  If you have the desire to get up the next day and do it all again, you love your child.  If you can’t imagine your life without your children (I definitely can’t, not without either of them), then you love your child.  If you hold back a sigh — or even the desire to smack them for a truly insolent remark — then you love your child.  This is just a tough phase, and it, too, shall pass.

It can be hard to make the choice to love sometimes; or it can be hard to feel like you’re making the choice to love.  I have to remind myself, during difficult times, that even though I feel like everything is negative, that I’m loving my daughter when I choose to gently discipline her.  I wish it weren’t necessary sometimes, but there are times when I have to say, quite often, “We don’t talk like that.  You need to go sit in time out for a few minutes.”  But by gently correcting her behavior and not allowing her to get away it, I am loving her.  (Note: because I’m doing so gently and with the best of intentions.  I’m not punishing out of anger or frustration.)

Choosing to guide our children through difficult phases — and yes, disciplining where needed — is loving them, even if you wish that you spent more time playing and less time correcting. 

It’s also true, of course, that if we can give our children more proactive positive attention, that they are less likely to act out negatively, and will require less correction.  Of course, it’s not always true, especially during a difficult phase!  I remember plenty of times where I deliberately spent as much one-on-one time as I could with my daughter…and still got the back-talk and attitude at various points!  Sigh.  This, too, shall pass….

Loving On Purpose

So how do we love our children through this difficult phase?

• Recognize it’s hard for the child — It’s not easy for you, but it’s probably harder on the child.  He’s frustrated, powerless, and struggling.  He needs your compassion and understanding, not anger.
• Talk to your child — Ask your child how she’s feeling, if she has the words.  I try to do this whenever I can, especially while driving.
• Give extra affection — Even if you don’t feel like it.  Stroke your child’s hair, touch his arm as you walk by, give him a hug or a kiss.  It does make a difference.
• Try for one-on-one time — Give your child extra attention.  Take her places that are fun for her, just the two of you.  Use this as an opportunity to talk, if you can.
• Small surprises — Do little things for him “just because.”  Make his favorite breakfast, bring him a small gift, or otherwise just show that you care and are thinking of him.
• Offer praise for character traits — When your child does display a positive character trait, praise it.  The other day when we were walking in the Walmart parking lot (yes, sigh), my daughter saw some trash.  “We need to pick it up, they shouldn’t drop trash on the ground.”  And she picked it up and took it to the trash herself.  That’s a trait to be proud of.
• Don’t let him get away with it — Sometimes you want to be lax on the discipline because, frankly, you’re tired of saying no.  But it’s not doing him any favors if you let him get away with poor behavior because you’re tired of correcting it.  It’s still your job to train him up well, even through this hard spot.  There are times it may be better to extend grace, and times when a hard line is needed, and it’s up to you to discern which are which.

 I’ve found it helps me a lot to think of the bigger picture.  I think about who my children are now, the phase they’re currently in, and where I want them to end up.  I try to see their needs, both now and for the long haul.  It’s why, last night, even when my daughter was being grumpy and rude after her nap, I held back my sigh and continued to talk to her, involve her in dinner preparation and conversation, and (unfortunately) discipline the attitude where needed.  I hated it; I wanted to enjoy the one-on-one time I had with her — and I did — but I wanted it to be “perfect.”  It wasn’t, because she wasn’t, and she never will be (just like the rest of us!).

This, Too, Shall Pass

More and more I see glimpses of the people my children are becoming.  And I love it.  I watch my son talk to me and insistently ask to go outside.  He brings me his shoes and insists I put them on, then runs to the door.  I frequently let them in the (fenced-in) back yard while I work in the kitchen (and can see them through the window).  He could spend all day out there, pulling up weeds and putting them into buckets, dumping them out, and so on.  He’s a real outdoors type of guy!  (Too funny, since my husband decidedly is not an outdoors guy.)

I watch my daughter’s face as she gives me a cunning look and tries to talk me into something.  She actually reasons with me and tries to use logic to get what she wants!  My husband and I were just like that and have honestly spoken fondly of the trait, hoping for the day when our children displayed it too.  I love her creativity and her stories and how she gets from point A to point B in her logic.

These things will never go away.  I will always have these amazing, happy times with the people they are becoming.  The disobedience, rudeness, tantrums, and other things that mark difficult phases?  Those will go away.  In a few weeks or months we’ll be on to something else, some new challenging behavior.

And lest we forget…we have challenging behavior too!  It’s just that as adults no one is around to correct us.   All people have wonderful traits…and annoying ones.  It’s par for the course.

Which brings me to the end.  Next week we’ll be talking about how to handle children who are especially “difficult” or “high needs.”

Have your children gone through difficult phases?  Which were hardest for you?  How did you get through them?