Image by Elizabeth/Table4five
This will be a tough post to write. And it will need to be understood in the context of last week’s post, Love is a CHOICE, Not a Feeling. If you haven’t read it yet, go back and read it now.
As I was reading through the stories of the many women who sent them to me, and pondering the general idea of loving and bonding with our children, this question came up: “Is it okay to love children ‘unequally?’” Some of the moms who emailed me said…yes, it is.
It’s important to remember what we talked about last week. Most of the country defines love as a ‘warm fuzzy feeling.’ And I believe if we really, truly think about love this way, we will love our children unequally. We love them more or less based on how similar we are, what phase or season they’re in, how well we “mesh” with them as people…and so on. I think this can become especially evident (based on the stories I’ve heard) in the teen and adult years, because children and parents who are just better “friends” can happen, and it might seem that the parent ‘loves’ that child more.
One reader says,
“But truly do we HAVE to love everyone equally or is it enough to just be loved? I don’t love my parents equally. I don’t love my siblings equally. I don’t love my friends equally. The idea that we have to love them equally puts so much pressure on us as Moms and makes us over-analyze everything.”
I think this happens all the time (when we are thinking “warm and fuzzy feelings”). And I don’t think that parents mean anything by it. Although parents love all of their children, there may be one for whom they have a special fondness. This does not mean that they treat their children unfairly. It does not mean that they show preferential treatment for the one child. It just means that they have “bonded” more with one particular child. (I heard lots of these stories, privately….)
I don’t think it happens to all parents. And I think that there are certain aspects in life where we bond with each child more strongly. Perhaps with one child, we bond over a love of cars. With another, over a love of old movies. And so on. Perhaps, then, in those areas, we might show preferential treatment to the child who shares our interests. But not in general. As in, this week we choose child A to accompany us to a car show (but not child B), but next week we choose child B to accompany us to a movie festival (but not child A). Most would agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and actually encourage it! It is wonderful to bond over shared interests.
We’ll talk a bit more indepth on this line of thought next week, though.
We’re not going to define love as a ‘warm fuzzy feeling.’ Love truly is a choice that we make, an an action that we take. Fuzzy feelings wax and wane over time, but we control and choose our actions always. Each day we wake up and choose to love our children.
Here comes the tricky part. Depending on how you look at it, we may love our children unequally. One reader said,
“…if I don’t show her the fault of her ways and teach her those qualities how will she learn them? If I love a friend that treats me like crap just as good/equal as another friend who treats me like gold, what incentive do I give my friend who treats me like crap to learn of her behavior and how it affects me and work to change it?”
It’s an interesting thought. We need to make different choices for our children, to meet their needs. And this may mean that we are tougher on some children than others. A child who enjoys being obedient simply won’t be disciplined the same way that a child who is strong-willed is. But does that mean we really love them unequally?
I think it just means we love them differently, although some would note the differences in parenting and call it ‘unequal.’ But we discipline and teach our children out of love. It would actually be unloving not to correct and discipline a willful, disobedient child! Of course it should be done gently and at an age appropriate level, but it must be done.
There are families I know who, out of “fairness” and an attempt to love and treat their children “equally,” made the exact same rules for all their children — regardless of circumstances. If, for example, the oldest child could not get his driver’s license until he had gotten his grades to a certain level, and he did not achieve this until the age of 17, the younger child also was not allowed to get his license…until age 17. Regardless of his grades. Was that really meeting the younger child’s needs? Should his situation have depended solely on what his parents ultimately did with his older brother, or should it have depended on his maturity level and needs?
What is “fair” to one child is blatantly “unfair” to another. And of course it changes by season, too. A 2-year-old and a 4-year-old can’t be held to the same standards. A teen who does nothing (major) wrong shouldn’t be held to the same standards as one who gets poor grades and tries drugs! We all know that. But sometimes it doesn’t come through in our parenting, because we want to appear fair to all. We cannot and should not do this.
Our children are individuals and should be raised as such. Yes, we have house rules and standards that they all have to adhere to. But so much more is individual.
If I have a child (and I do) who smiles when I say no and responds, “Well, but, I need to do it anyway,” and proceeds to try to reason with me…that is not going to get the same response as the child who actually cries and stops when I say no! I treat them “unequally,” but I don’t love them unequally.
The bottom line is really that we do not love our children unequally, but we parent them unequally. That is the nature of life when we are parenting them as individuals, striving to meet their individual needs, rather than worrying about being “fair” to everyone. And as much as we’ll hate hearing, “But that’s not fair, you let HER do…” we have to learn to live with it. When we have chosen what is best for an individual child, we will not always be fair. Though it’s cliche, life is not fair.
As long as we are doing our best to love all our children as they need, and treat them as they need, we need to let the rest go. We can’t be fair. We shouldn’t be fair. We should love them all as hard as we can…and leave the rest up to God!
What do you think? Do parents love their children unequally, or do they parent them differently? Is it okay to do either of these?
Note: I am not accepting comments on the original post from three weeks ago here. It was said and done and this series is not about that. You have a right to your opinion, but as I’ve now heard about a hundred thousand of them, I’m not interested in more…especially from strangers who’ve read ONLY that piece. Sorry.
I think this post is the perfect example of why every parent should study their child's temperament. We were all created with a different personality. Some children need very little discipline and others need A LOT! Some children respond more to touch and affection and others just want your time – or to talk. The best authors on the four temperaments are Florence Littauer (Personality Puzzle, Personality Plus) and Art and Lorraine Bennett (The Personality God Gave You.) They are both religious authors, but they still give the best explanations of the temperaments I have found if you wish to ignore their personal beliefs. We all fall into the categories of Choleric, Melancholic, Sanguine, and Phlegmatic (or a mixture of two) and it makes your life soooo much easier when you accept your own and others' personalities. Here is the wikipedia page if you want a short intro
.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Temperaments
Give it a look – I promise it will help tremendously!!
I do not love my children unequally but i do l like them differently. I agree with you people seem to misunderstand what love is. It is sooo not about the warm fuzzies other wise how would we ever deal with the defiant child? the whiny child? or the diva? When these traits are yuo child it is hard to LIKE them. but never stop loving my kiddos. I have one who is a challenge he is defiant, creative, ADHD, his mommas boy and we share similar interests. I like him more. we go to the same movies read similar books and I must discipline him much more stearnly and harshly that my daughter. She is sweet kind loving a helper al little add and frilly ruffles girly. She is PINK. I don't know how i got such a child. I live her but we have few similar interests. She is my baby but I'd rather talk about a movie with my son. So while i do Like my kids unevenly I do not treat them unequally or discipline them unfairly. I did not know it was odd to parent each child according to his or her needs.
If we are to follow God's example we see that God is a just God, but that does not mean He is "fair." You are very right when we say that treating each child equally may not actually be "loving" them. Each child is unique and has different needs. One caution I would offer though is that love, in the sense of warm, fuzzy feelings, can be cultivated. You, again, are right in that some of the relationships won't come naturally that way for different reasons and in different seasons. Just as there are times we might not FEEL in love with our husbands, and must cultivate that emotion by loving in the verb sense, we can cultivate the feelings of love toward our children – even the difficult ones – by loving in our actions. All children need to feel love and approval from their parents. We must remember that God loved us and gave us His son when we were still unlovely. He valued and treasured us enough to sacrifice what was most precious to Him. Not easily done for us humans, but certainly a worthy goal!
I agree with everything you wrote in this post. Parenting unequally makes perfect sense and I think is actually the best way to parent. Ultimately parenting unequally allows you to do what is best for each individual child.
You, however, wrote in your Babble article that you would probably kill your daughter over you son and other such things. This is not parenting unequally, that would most certainly meet the definiton of loving unequally.
I do not point this out to upset you, I point this out because I don't feel that you are addressing the issues that caused the uproar over that article you wrote.
Best to you.
Harper,
That's not what I said. Or what I meant. I never said I wanted to "kill" any child, nor would I! I spoke of a "Sophie's Choice" type moment, pondering which child it would be easier to lose…hoping, of course, that I would NEVER be faced with such a choice! I really equate this to a friend calling and saying her child has a serious illness…and you wonder, "What if it were MY child?" or you see a bus crash on the news and wonder, again, "What if it were us?" It's nothing more or less than that.
And frankly, to know that, as a parent, it would rip your heart out if you ever had to face losing ANY child in ANY way, it is clear that you love all your children. Even if you parent them differently.
Seriously?? You read that she would KILL her daughter over her son? What article were you reading?? Have you never realized that it may hurt more to lose your brother than your sister that you can barely stand. Or you might be destroyed by losing your Mother but feel that you could handle or cope with the loss of your Father maybe easier? These are NORMAL questions people!! Does that mean you want to kill your Father over your Mother? You wouldn't want either of them to die, you just are analyzing how their losses will effect you. I think about it all the time. Heck I question if I will be able to lose one dog a little easier than the other… I have certainly wondered this about my friends, children, parents, siblings, dogs, neighbors, acquaintances. Sometimes you just think about it. You don't know why, and it is healthy and does not mean you do not love someone cause you feel you could cope with their loss easier than someone else.
nicely written. and certainly a great example of how God loves each of of His own children. keep writing your convictions. there will always be someone who will not agree, be offended or not understand. But they still have to be written – for the ones who are looking for the freedom to live out their greatest potential and need someone to inspire them to do so. Keep it up!. God has given you a real gift.