The True “Worst Type” of Mom

Image by mrgreen09

I keep reading parenting blogs on major sites that categorize moms into stereotypes, then criticize each of these stereotypes.  Frankly, I’m tired of it.  It’s usually set off by a blogger having a “run-in” with a different “type” of mom (or several different types), then ranting about how awful that type(s) of mom is.  They’re frustrated, they’re angry…I get it.  We all have those run-ins and we all need to blow off some steam from time to time.

There’s a time and place and way to do that, though.  If you have a frustrating encounter with a mom, by all means — vent to your husband or mother or in a private journal.  Go through that encounter and dissect it and say all things you wish you could say.  We sometimes need to do that.  But don’t lump a bunch of uninvolved mothers in the same group (as if stereotyping is going to help) or vent publicly.  Does complaining publicly about those mothers who annoy you make you a better person?  I don’t think it does at all.  It only perpetuates the negativity.

Also, and this is something all bloggers have to learn (the rest of you can ignore this…lol), but since you are putting it out there, you’ll get a lot of extra craziness aimed your way.  Some people say things they probably ought not to say online — they tell it to you flat and sometimes rudely.  Ignore, delete, move on, and just understand it happens to all of us.  It’s nothing to get upset over.  I do really hate that line of reasoning coming from commenters (“Well, you put it out there, so you have to take what you get”) — you are always responsible for what comes out of your own mouth!  That goes especially for bloggers, but also for anyone who comments.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, you know?

But, that’s not what this post is about.

The “Worst” Type of Mom

Earlier this week I had a really bad day.  The early morning was great, actually.  I was super nice to the kids, I put the laptop away for a few hours, I gave them some ingredients and let them mess up the kitchen “making cookies.”  I spoke gently and respectfully to them.

Unfortunately, by early afternoon, lunch wasn’t ready, the kitchen was a disaster, the kids responded to my gentle requests by saying, “No, I’m not going to listen” and generally acting like monkeys.  I was starving, messes stress me out, and being disrespected and ignored was the final straw.  I lost it.

“CLEAN UP THIS MESS NOW!!!!  YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME THIS WAY!  DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME ANGRY?  HERE IT IS!”

They cried.  They cleaned.  And they said, “I love you so much….”

I went on: “If you love me, then you would listen the first time.  We wouldn’t have this problem if you had listened.  I get angry when I am ignored repeatedly.  Did I ask you nicely 15 times?  Did you do it?  No?  Then maybe next time you should try that.”

In my head, however, this is what is going on: I am starving.  This is not fair.  I know there is an adjustment period when I change my attitude and they are testing that.  I know they love me.  I shouldn’t yell.  I shouldn’t scare them with my anger.  I need to find a better way to deal with this.  Really, this is my fault.  They’re going to grow up sarcastic and ungrateful and mean and they’ll hate me, and it will be because that is the attitude *I* displayed so often when they were little.  This is really my fault.  I’m the worst mom in the world.

Who hasn’t had a day like that?

We are ALL The Worst Moms

It’s true.  Not one of us is perfect.  We all have bad days.  We all have, at least at times, spoiled, selfish, ungrateful, sarcastic attitudes.  Our spouse makes dinner or does the laundry and we don’t say thank you.  We get angry because the kids didn’t pick up their dirty clothes — again — and we snap, “Gee, do you think you could make a bigger mess?” sarcastically.  We beg and plead for “me time” even when no one else gets any.  We complain about how much our spouses and children make our lives more difficult.

I know I’m like this.  I know I’m selfish, ungrateful, and unsympathetic.  When I see it in my kids, it smacks me in the face: I don’t want them to be this way.  And they are only imitating me.  It’s humbling.  A lot.  Justyn recently came to this revelation too.

To some extent we can’t change it.  We’re flawed humans, living in an imperfect world (a good reason why we need Jesus).  We are going to feel frustrated and angry and sometimes we will say and do things we shouldn’t do.

We all do it.

And that truly makes all of us the worst moms in the world.

Image by lindsayshaver

The Best Moms in the World

I truly believe, however, that the vast majority of moms love their children desperately and intend to do the absolute best that they can do.  They want to be endlessly patient, loving, kind, and otherwise amazing moms.  They fail daily, but they keep trying.  I fail daily, and I keep trying.

I’m using this as a method of self-reflection: if I see undesirable behavior in my children, what am I going to do about myself to model better behavior?  That won’t make them perfect, but it will help.

In the last couple of days, I’ve been working hard to talk more about being grateful, and have tried to remember to thank both the children and my husband when they do things for me.  And now my daughter (who is 4) says to me, “Mommy, I appreciate you making dinner for me,” or “Thank you for helping me get more water.”  Certainly she still forgets or says things she shouldn’t, but I’ve noticed that she’s saying these nice things much more often.  And all of us minding our manners leads to spreading a little joy around.

We can’t become perfect.  But we can use our bad days as a type of reflection, so that at least most of the time, we try harder to get it right.  We can ask for forgiveness when we get it wrong.  Our children will model our behavior…and we will all be happier.  The bad times won’t matter as much as the good times because the good times will outweigh them.  And that is what makes us the best moms in the world.

Why Do We Care So Much?

Why do we have a tendency to label and judge other moms in the first place?  There have been a number of theories put forth, but I have mine:

When any particular situation arises and there are multiple choices, we ultimately trust our instincts, that deep gut feeling that tells us “this is right” or “this is wrong” for us.  We all have strong Mommy Instincts that guide us (along with, in some cases, research) to do what is best for our families.

When we come across someone else’s different choice, that gut feeling in us stirs: “This is wrong.”  That feeling is how we truly know that that choice is completely wrong…for us.  Sometimes we forget that last part.  We feel so deeply and so strongly that that choice is wrong that we feel the need to rebuke or even outright criticize the other mom(s)!  It’s completely true that that choice would probably be a total disaster, in our homes.  That’s why we don’t do it.

What we need to do is step back, take a deep breath, and remember these moms feel the exact same way we do: they are doing what feels right in their guts, in their hearts.  Maybe we’ll never “see it their way,” but we have to remember they are just moms, who try very hard and sometimes fail, too.

I honestly believe that’s true.  I don’t think moms feel superior, or inferior (and therefore need to bully), or are just rude and stupid people.  I think they are trusting their mommy instincts, and sometimes these bring out the fierce, protective mommy who says the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Yet another reason why we’re all the worst, and why we all get on one another’s nerves sometimes.

But it’s okay — we’ll keep trying, and we’ll keep failing, and we’ll keep being different.  That’s not important.  Loving our children as hard as we can and always striving to do our best, that’s all that matters.

What do you think?  Are we all “bad” moms?  Why do moms fight?