I was thinking lately about what a “good” mother and homemaker looks like. I think we all have an image in our heads of what we should be, and what we sometimes think everyone else is. I know that I sometimes think:
- A good homemaker doesn’t get behind on laundry
- A good homemaker doesn’t leave dirty dishes in her kitchen overnight
- A good mother doesn’t yell at her children when she’s tired
- A good mother is always prepared with snacks when she travels
- A good mother never forgets to bring along diapers and extra clothes
How many times have you thought any of those things…and more? How often does it seem like everyone except for you manages to do those things, but you just don’t? How often do you feel like you just aren’t really that good at what you do?
It’s Not Fair
Here’s the thing. My husband has a job. He works in the corporate audit department of his company, which means he checks up on other departments to make sure they’re doing their jobs well (and people just love that…hahaha). But the thing is, his job requires particular skill sets. And it never changes. He has to have people skills, and he has to know a lot about computers and programming.
But he doesn’t have to play sports. He doesn’t have to clean up messes (like the janitors). He doesn’t have to be a good salesman (although he is). His job has quite a few responsibilities, but it has parameters. And the major parts of his job are skills he’s really good at and which he enjoys.
Motherhood is not the same.
Motherhood and homemaking doesn’t have parameters. Anything can be thrown at you. You’re responsible for everyone and everything that happens in your home. That means you have to find ways to clean chocolate out of throw pillows, how to throw a baseball to a young batter, how to roast a chicken, how to sew a button back on or sew up a rip in a favorite blanket, how to balance the grocery budget, and more. There’s no end to your requirements, and no guidelines to follow! A mother and homemaker has to wear more hats than anyone else.
It’s not fair.
We are not magical and perfect because we are mothers and homemakers. And these days we often don’t have anyone showing us how to do all these things! We don’t have examples because being mothers and homemakers isn’t valued. So we’re left fumbling, trying to figure it out.
Even once we get it (sometime around the point when our kids are grown, I think), we still have such diverse responsibilities that we simply cannot be good at everything. We can’t. Where you shine, another fails, and vice versa.
That is okay.
In this spirit, I’m going to own all of the areas where I’m not so good. I’m going to share where I fail. I hope that you’ll share some areas where you fail in the comments, too, so that we can all celebrate that we are not perfect! And yet we are still awesome. 
(By the way, as I was writing this post, I asked my husband, “What am I not good at?” and he said “I really don’t think I should answer that question.” Ha….)
Where I Fail
1) Laundry
Now is one of those rare times that most of the laundry in my house is actually done and put away. Often I have a couple of baskets that should get washed, a couple more “in progress” and even more sitting around, clean. This is a particular sore spot for me because out of all the household chores, my own mom was most of top of this. She did laundry about every three days, and she carefully sorted all the clothes according to their care labels, went through them and used stain removers, never stuffed the washing machine too full, never scheduled errands on laundry day, never left a load sitting in the washer or dryer, never left clean clothes unfolded, and never left baskets sitting downstairs. It all got done, and done right, by the end of the day. Always. I keep asking myself why I can’t do it if she could…and I don’t know.
2) Picking Up “Stuff”
I can’t count how many times a day I walk by some stuff on the floor (trash, kids’ toys, clothes, whatever) and think “Hmm, I ought to pick that up,” and then I don’t. I’m such a global thinker that I just take in the room as a whole and think “It’s not that bad.” I forget the details…until the room gets too messy and I can’t stand it and I clean it. I’m terrible about just cleaning as I go and keeping stuff picked up. Just the other night I was thinking how clean my house would be if I would take the extra 10 seconds to just pick up the stuff I see as I walk around….
3) Yelling
A good mom never yells at her children…unless, you know, they’re about to run into the street in front of a moving car. And then she tearfully apologizes for it. Not me. I try really hard not to yell, but sometimes I get so frustrated that I do. Especially if one of the bigger children deliberately hurts the baby. I’m working on it, but I will probably always yell more than I should.
4) Sarcasm
A good mom is super sweet and sincere all the time, right? Not me. I’m sarcastic. Often too much. I might be cutting some vegetables and a child walks in and says “What are you doing, Mom?” and I reply, “What does it look like?” I tend to be more sarcastic if asked the same questions three or four times in a row, which we know happens often with children. It’s not a good thing, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone. (Not excusing it, just saying…I struggle.)
5) Creativity
This one’s interesting because I often feel so motivated to be creative with the kids, and sometimes I am, but other times I want to keep my butt on the couch and just let them do their thing. Even when I know I shouldn’t. I have a million excuses — the baby kept me up last night, the kids won’t quit fighting, whatever. But sometimes I have no plan, and no desire to make one, either.
6) Happy Heart
This kind of goes along with sarcasm. I struggle often times to have a positive attitude. Something drives me crazy and I let it show. I’m over-tired or not feeling well and the kids are well aware. I need to work on having a more positive attitude or, as many say, a “happy heart” even when I’m not feeling it. I’m trying — the other day I stepped on a kid’s toy and I wanted to scream, but instead I stopped, closed my eyes, and then looked at the kids (who realized I had hurt my foot on the toy that I had just asked them to clean up and jumped into action without a word). It wasn’t perfect, but it was better. I will always struggle with this.
7) Distractions
I let my computer distract me too often. Good moms don’t even get on the computer when their kids are awake (mine are not, as I’m writing this). But I do…too much. I’m at least happy that I don’t have a smart phone, so that if I take the kids out, I am just with them. But when we are home I keep my laptop open and I at least walk by and glance at it here and there, and sometimes I sit at it and try to get stuff done while they’re playing. This is not always a good thing.
8) Socialization
I sort of hesitate to even say that word as a homeschooling mom…it’s like playing to everyone’s fears. But I’ll say it anyway. I, personally, am an introvert. I never know what to say to people. I don’t really like parties. I’m okay with staying home a lot (and I went to public school!). Good mothers sign their kids up for lots of teams and activities and take them on lots of play dates, and they enjoy organizing events and being the team coach or cub scout den mom or whatever. I really…don’t, in many cases. My kids still go on plenty of play dates and out to museums and church and have plenty of friends. And they are not shy in the least — everyone at the playground is their new best friend. But for my part, I’ll never be the one making those connections for them. They’ll have to do it for themselves (when I provide the opportunities, of course). (The baby seriously crawled over to another family’s blanket and tried to pull snacks out of their bag at a recent play date. I had to stop him but I didn’t know what to say other than ‘sorry’ as I moved him.)
9) Bringing Stuff With Me
Last weekend, I was just going to run to the butcher to pick up the meat. It should have taken about an hour, round trip. I got all the kids changed and fed and loaded in the car. And I didn’t bring anything with me because, you know…it’s only an hour. But then I had to wait 30 minutes to leave because my parents were almost here. Then we got there but the order wasn’t ready, so I took the kids to a nearby mall to play. Anyway, by the time we got home it had been almost 4 hours and my older son was complaining his diaper was wet. Oops. And unfortunately I’ve made this same mistake a bunch of times. You would think I’d learn…. (Yes, there are now two diapers, one for each boy, currently living in my car. Until I “forget” and use them and don’t replace them, of course.)
10) Spiritual Leader
I’ve talked about this before, but I didn’t grow up in an overtly Christian home. So frankly, I’m kind of jealous when I hear about these moms that frequently pray with their kids, read the Bible with them, and always seem to be so surrounded by spirituality, so effortlessly. I have no idea how to go about that. Sometimes I pray with my kids (but see the above point about being an introvert — it’s not easy for me to pray with anyone really), and we do read Bible stories. We talk about Jesus a lot. But I don’t really get how to be a spiritual leader and I’m just hoping God’s grace will cover me and my kids will sense my heart and forget my stumbling around.
New Resource
If you feel like this — like you can never do it all or never be perfect — there’s a new resource out there for you.
It is a collaboration of 13 different bloggers and it is called The Heart of Simplicity. You can click the link for more details about the book, but it’s encouragement for the Christian mother and homemaker. (Yes, that’s an affiliate link and I will earn a small commission — thanks!)
Here’s av excerpt from the “about” page:
It can be easy to rush through the day in a constant effort to stay on top of everything that must be done. We have the demands of our homes that need attention; our children, who need love, training, and discipling; and, most importantly, we have our husbands, who need our attention, affection, and our help in building homes that glorify the Lord.
With all of our modern conveniences and time savers, you would think we wouldn’t struggle to fit into out day what needs to be done, but we seem to be more pressed for time than ever before. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed when it seems what is demanded of us is more than what we can give. You may feel like you’re drowning in dishes and laundry. Maybe you’re losing the battle with winning your children’s hearts to the Lord, or maybe you’ve given up on keeping up and have fallen behind on maintaining your home or paying your bills. Your marriage may be suffering under all of these demands. Maybe you’re barely keeping your head above water.
I don’t believe our problem is a lack of time. The Lord has given us ample time to do His work. The struggle we face is in determining kingdom work from all the extra that can fill up our schedules. In our hurried, busy lives as wives and mothers, it can be easy to rush through our days, checking off our to-do lists as we accomplish the tangible. But while much of that is important, it’s the eternal, the intangible, that matters most. This is why we’re here. This is why we get out of bed every morning and go strong until our head hits that pillow at the end of the day. As keepers of our homes, we have a unique opportunity to make a generational impact, both within and outside the walls of our homes.
Check it out!
Do you struggle with feelings of inadequacy as a mother or homemaker? What do you struggle with most?
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TESTING!
Ha ha, I was chuckling as I read this…and sighing at the same time. I have had a “pile” of dishes to do for weeks…so many dishes in fact that in order to cook anything I have to do my prep on the freezer because ALL the other spaces are filled with dirty dishes. And wash the dishes I need in order to cook the meal first. And I had friends over in the midst of this and said “let’s have dessert now…who wants to search for dirty bowls so I can wash them…so we can have dessert!” And I too have messy floors and piles of laundry around in different stages.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how to rejoice in my failings and how to give myself grace. I really am trying and the fact that I have room to improve just means that I can have more to be excited about getting the hang of in the future!
You are not alone on most of these, In fact you sound a lot like me! I was moaning to my husband the other day that my daughters Bible study teacher gave my number to another girls mom, because she and my daughter get along so well. That means a PLAYDATE. Ugh. I wouldn’t say I’m a total introvert, but meeting new people is just not on my “fun” list of things to do, I would much rather stay home and read a book. I love going out with friends, I love big gatherings at church, but I am happy with my circle as it is and don’t feel the need to expand it at all!
Great post Kate,
I feel inadequate in the area of quality time vs. house work. Clean laundry abounds in baskets all over the house that call my name needing my attention. My son calls my name and needs my attention. Which is more pressing? I know which one SHOULD be most important but sometimes I have no peace when the house is a wreck. So I play ball or push trucks but my mind is thinking about the laundry, the garden or the dishes.
This was encouraging for me to read. Right now I’m a homemaker, and expecting our first in November. Sometimes I feel so behind, and I don’t even have a kid yet! Praying for God’s grace is something I need to remember
I am the exact same way! I think about how to be a better mother/homemaker and find that I fail all the time! I yell too much, my laundry is never done/folded/put away, the kitchen always seems to be a mess, my kids probably watch too much television, and I really need to get out with the kids more often!
The way I have started looking at it is that my kids are in a safe home, where a majority of the time it is “clean enough” and that spending time with them (even if it is just watching cartoons on the couch) is what they remember as adults. I am not the best homemaker in the world, but I have found that for me it is more important to be a good mother to my beautiful blessings from God.
We are imperfect by nature and I am ok with it!
I relate to almost everything you said! Motherhood is definitely the hardest job I’ve ever had! Thanks for sharing. it’s encouraging to know we’re not alone in this!!
Love this! That list covers most of mine. All but 2 and 8. I’m good at picking up things as I see them and signing my kids up for stuff. But the latter could just because my son loves doing activities so I kinda have to. LOL
Right now there’s 4 loads of clean laundry on my bed that’s been in baskets for 3 days. I WILL do them today. And I’ve been doing FlyLady for 12 years! I’m on top of all the other housework and things are usually clean. But the laundry!
My goal is to do the best I can each day and just try to do a little better. No need to stress over not being June Cleaver.
First of all, I want to thank you for such a wonderful blog! I have learned SO MUCH from it/you!!! I almost cried when I read this post—you and I are so much alike in all the areas you mentioned. I, too, am introverted and have to force myself to be social. It’s not that I do not want friends, it is just easier sometimes to be by myself. I do not want my kids to be this way so we socialize when necessary. I was encouraged when I read this post because now I know I am not the only one who struggles in these ten areas! I know, with the Lord’s help, I can overcome my struggles in these areas and many more. The Lord keeps bringing this verse to mind—”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil. 4:13. It has been such an encouragement to me! Hopefully it will encourage you, too!!!
Thanks for being so honest and transparent!
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel inadequate every day. I never have cool things planned for play dates. I often forget to bring snacks along for outings. It takes me about a year and a half to get out the door. I spend too much time distracted by the computer, too. I’m constantly behind on housework (especially laundry!). It’s so good to know that I’m not alone. Thanks for being vulnerable.
I haven’t commented on your other posts … because I don’t want to be “that” reader
lol I often read and enjoy your thoughts on things and want to write “ME TOO” ! But this line of thought resonates deeply with me. Becoming a mother and home maker is all I’ve ever wanted to be. We’ve been blessed with 5 young children and yet I struggle with feeling like I’m in over my head. God has really been working on my heart, my thoughts, my focus. Yes laundry, dishes, school work, and healthy meals are quite important but, teaching my children the fruits of the spirit – because they see me living them and not “yelling” them – is the real role God’s calling me to as a mother. Thank you for your humble self reflection. It’s a blessing to me and many other mom’s as well.
Enjoyed this blog post! I could relate very well… I remember years ago when I had about 5 children, I struggled so much with not being the mother I felt I should be…. I was trying so hard to keep the house together, while also caring for a newborn and toddler while starting to homeschool my kids. I realized I couldn’t do everything… no one can do everything… no one is perfect…. so I decided I had to give myself permission to be bad at something… I had to let at least one thing go….. I decided that floors would be my thing that I was not going to be good at… I’m not good with keeping floors clean.
I admire other people’s floors… those who have nice quality carpeting that they obviously steam clean on a regular basis…. or beautiful wood floors that have obviously been refinished and are kept clean and uncluttered…. but I’ve always had old carpeting and old flooring wherever I’ve lived and haven’t had the means to put in new flooring (though I still hope to some day) and with now 8 kids, 22yo down to 3yo, I just feel resigned to the fact that I may not ever have fabulous floors. I don’t put lots of energy into mopping and vacuuming and sweeping when I know that it will all have to be done again the next day….. Now, on the other hand, I do have my kids vacuum and sweep, but it is never the way I’d like it. But, that’s ok…. I’m not good at floors….
I long ago accepted that if being a good mum means being a lousy housewife then so be it. Fortunately I have a husband who sees we have a happy baby and does the dishes himself if they start to bother him! He read Dr Sears ”Attachment Parenting” before our baby was born and takes the view that mum attends to baby’s needs and Dad attends to mums and after a very complicated forceps delivery when I was barely able to pick up my son let alone do anything else he was brilliant at running the house until I was back in the saddle.
What an awesome post! It’s not just me!!! I fit all your categories. Laundry is my nemesis. I have 4 baskets to put away right now and a load in the dryer and the washing machine. Dishes second nemesis. I just love this post!
Your comparison with your husband’s job reminds me of an essay by GK Chesterton. He says it would be odd if a woman at home maintained anything of a specialist because we must be broad in our knowledge and experiences in order to be effective. The whole essay is amazing, but especially this part:
“Two gigantic facts of nature fixed it thus: first, that the woman who frequently fulfilled her functions literally could not be specially prominent in experiment and adventure; and second, that the same natural operation surrounded her with very young children, who require to be taught not so much anything as everything. Babies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is generally shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t. It would be odd if she retained any of the narrowness of a specialist. Now if anyone says that this duty of general enlightenment (even when freed from modern rules and hours, and exercised more spontaneously by a more protected person) is in itself too exacting and oppressive, I can understand the view. I can only answer that our race has thought it worth while to cast this burden on women in order to keep common-sense in the world. But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets cakes. and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”
You can read the whole essay here: http://www.ignatiusinsight.com/features2007/gkchesterton_domwwww_july07.asp
It’s fairly brilliant. If only more mothers had the understanding to realize that they are doing a lot! To know about everything from dinosaurs to birthday parties to religion and politics–it’s amazing! And then our skill set at a mom is incredible! I mean you have to be a diplomat, a teacher, an artist, a cook, and your own administrative assistant. So, we fail in some areas! Who cares! We are juggling a million things. It’s OK sometimes to leave the dishes until the morning.
I think you took my list of “failures” out of my brain and wrote it down for all to see!
Some days it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only bad mom out there who never has the laundry folded or loses her cool and yells at a child who’s not moving quite quickly enough after 4 times of being told to do something. Thank you, Jesus, for grace! I’m hopeful that my children won’t remember very many of my less desirable moments, the dirty dishes in the sink (and all over the counter,) the lack of playdates and social gatherings, and too much tv and will have happy strong memories of early morning snuggles in bed, lots of books read together, yummy food, and hanging out with their siblings for years to come. 
Laundry has always been my worst nightmare. I hate, hate, hate doing laundry!! It’s not so much the actual washing and drying part…that’s the easy stuff. It’s the folding and hanging and putting away. There have honestly been times my family had almost NO clothes in their drawers/closets and were having to dig through the “chest o’ couch” to find clothes everyday. 3 weeks ago, I finally decided the chest ‘o couch desperately needed addressing and spent 6 (!) hours folding, hanging, and putting away laundry. Needless to say, I vowed that I’d never have to do that again. Now- for going on 4 weeks- I start twitching if there’s a load of clean clothes on the couch.
It’s absolutely amazing how much cleaner my living room looks now w/out all the clean clothes piled on it.
I think it’s awesome that you are willing to share things that you’re NOT good. It takes a big person to admit your faults. Things i’m not good at? Cooking. I hate it so much, and dread doing it, and rejoice when i’m done. I don’t hate it enough that we go out to eat, though. I am not good at providing socializing opportunities for our son. I prefer to always be at home, aside from church and seeing our immediate families. I am not good at dusting, and I don’t even have an explanation for that. Many things I’m not good at, but it’s late and I’m tired
I often wonder sometimes when reading your blog if you are watching me and writing about my life. I can relate to this post in so many ways.
I swear you live inside my head and write down all my thoughts. It’s a little freaky in the best possible way, haha. Thank you for taking the time to put this out in the world so we can all remember that we are not alone!!
So many of these you aren’t alone. My main one is leaving clean baskets of laundry around for 2 weeks sometimes. I raise my voice totally working on that one. But if I have said something 3 times and no response, I am going to raise my voice. I don’t yell at my child by any means. I often think ugh the same stuff over and over and over again sometimes, but I pull myself together and know I will get thru this. I am often on the internet when I’m not doing household things or when my son is playing. You aren’t alone.
WoW! Thanks for that!
I was working on our blog post and my husband came into the kitchen and asked me “Do you feel inadequate as a parent – because I sure do.” I quickly brought up your post that I read earlier this evening and let him read it.
BOY – do we both feel better! We could even add more to the list – wondering about how to discipline – how to not be too strict or too indulgent. The list goes on.
We work together and our daughter works with us. We manage two campgrounds so at least she is exposed to the outdoors. We’re ON ( part of the job) during the day working with the public but because we are fairly introverted ourselves we are stressed out and drained at the end of the day, we both need that quiet time to just chill out – will that affect her later on?
My husband also worries about being the Spiritual Leader and setting a good example even though he didn’t have a good fatherly example to learn from. We are both bible believers who have come to understand right division of the Bible or also called Mid Acts Pauline Dispensational, which took us years to find after being lost in “traditions of men” through many denominations . We spent a lot of time with like minded brethren when we travelled through the USA last year and we were more active in our study of the Bible but since coming back home we have been consumed with our daily duties of working 7 days a week it has taken its toll on the spiritual studies. We are done here with our contract next week and we have decided to look for a new job that does not require as much public service or as we put it , “public BS”, my husbands exact words.
Derek and I write together sometimes on our blog and on comments, spell check, edit, so this is a husband/wife collaboration, both of writing as one.
We’ll sleep better tonight feeling not so alone because of your post.
Wow, so grateful for this post. I thought I was the only one. So happy for the encouragement. Thank you!
I appreciate anyone who is open enough to blog about the imperfections that are so common among us! Not a one of us is perfect…so I am going to post my “works in progress”. I am beginning to realize that WHO I AM is NOT tied to WHAT I DO & how well I perform. I am an -ing mommy! I am learn-ing to vocalize my needs/weaknesses instead of allowing them to overwhelm me to a boiling point (even if that means I have to a-s-k…for help…from him (that would be my husband), and from Him…(when I am spiritually weak). I am do-ing the best I can every single day…even if no laundry got done, no toys were lifted from their landing spot, no floors were scrubbed and no toilets were washed, no groceries bought – or maybe even cooked! Because I know in my heart of hearts I try every day to be the best mom & wife I am able to that day…but still I am learn-ing. Learning to accept who I am today and know that is enough. Tomorrow may be better, or it may be worse….but if I am worrying about what didn’t get done, or what might not be perfect tomorrow I am robbing myself of my best self today. So, don’t forget to be awesome today & the rest will fall into place & share a smile…you never know who’s day you might brighten!
I really appreciate all of this. We wear so many hats, it’s crazy to think we’ll ever get all of it done perfectly. I think this is where God keeps us relying on Him, and keeps us humble.
http://redeemingthehome.com/2013/02/22/family-fun-night/
WOW, I can relate on the socialization. I’m an introvert, and would just like to stay at home… why does she have to want to go OUT? LOL (and I relate to other stuff here too, but that’s my fav)