I’ve always learned from mentors and friends to pray for the things we wanted and desired for in a husband. And the more specific the better!
Then we meet and fall in love – some of that list matches up, at least all the big, important ones – those little ones go by the wayside. And probably for good reason, because really, physical traits are, after all, only physical.
So we count the cost and weigh the love. Then dive in! With no return and love goggles on.
Then we get married and begin a new life. Being told to not try to change our husbands, we once again start a list . . .
Specific prayers of things we want God to change in our spouse. They aren’t all, “Please help my husband learn to put his stuff away cause he’s driving me nuts.” Most are good things for him. Things for the family. Things that will help him better function better in this world.
But guess what? God knows our heart. He knows more than us what our husband needs. And more than that, the kind of husband we need. The kind of father our children need.
Those prayer lists aren’t full of hope, they are full of fault! Laid out in black and white, all his shortcomings. All the things you don’t like about him. The man he isn’t, not the man he is.
I know this first hand. Shortly after our first child was born and we were going through a pretty bad time with our marriage and being new parents. This is when he found such a list. And that is just what he saw. A list of of all the things he was not.
It’s almost six years later and I am revisiting this memory again. I stopped making lists. But it did not stop me from praying for those things I wanted to change. Now that fault list was in my head, not just on paper.
All the glaring negatives became my prayers, the thoughts in the forefront of my mind did not help with having a positive attitude towards life. So a few months ago, when once again life was getting hard I made a decision.
Instead of praying for the change God already knew needed to happen, I began giving thanks for what I did have. For the committed provider he IS. For the love he has for our children. That he chose me to be stuck with in a blizzard.
Just as putting forth a thankful thought each day changed my outlook last year and is well on it’s way this year, it has allowed me to dwell on all the things in my marriage and husband that are amazing. That I have.
What have your prayers and thoughts been consumed with?
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TESTING!
Great post Sara! What a good reminder! I’m so thankful to attend a church where the teaching focus for women (married or unmarried) is not what you want to see in your husband, but on being the most godly wife possible. Because we can’t change anyone but ourselves (even then only with God’s help) so as my pastor says, why try to push a rope uphill? Not to say we can’t pray for our hubbies, but as you said, it is so much more important to be thankful for what we have than detailing a list of what we want to change.
I love how Carolyn Mahaney puts it in her book, Feminine Appeal. “Although we both are sinners, God is using our marriage to help us grow in godliness. In fact, our husbands’ particular sins, unique weaknesses, and even their idiosyncrasies are tailor-made for us. Likewise, our sins and weaknesses are custom-designed for them. Both husbands and wives will become more Christlike by having to deal with each other’s sins and deficiencies.”
I really needed this post! My husband and I are going through a rough patch. I’ve been meaning to sit and write out all of the great qualities that he has! Now I’m GOING to do it!
You are so, so right! We should get rid of these fault lists and learn to live a quieter life. Quiet from the voices in our heads screaming that we have the right to require things… I have come up to the solution that yes, God knows better, and I should accept my husband as he is. And life changed that instant. I just cannot get mad at him and I view his shortcomings as an opportunity!
After 33 years of marriage i have found that the person I needed to change was myself. My husband is a far better husband now compared to when we first got married. i would like to think that I am a better wife. When i stopped trying to change him and worked on my issues he became the husband that i always wanted. My advice to all couples for whatever it’s worth, is to work on yourself, try not to become defensive and really listen to what it is your spouse if really trying to tell you, give real compliments on the behavior that you want, no but only’s and spend at least 10 minutes a day talking about what matters to you and respect and empathize with each others feelings.
I agree too. I read Ann Voskamp’s book ‘One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are’ and she tells how she was challenged to start keeping a list of things she’s thankful for and how that really changed her perspective. As well, lately I’ve been reading books about communicating with my husband and one that’s really hitting home and making sense is by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, called ‘The Language of Love and Respect’, which talks about a woman’s need to feel loved above all else and a man’s need to feel respected above all else.
On a side note, i’ve learned a tremendous amount from the ‘modern alternative mama’ and I just wanted to say thank you for all the time and effort you put into it.