June 10th through 17th, there’s an awesome sale happening. It’s called The Natural Mothering ebook Bundle.
35+ books and FREE bonuses — a $525 value, for only $29.97!
See full sale details, and some of the books written by experts.
Only for imperfect mothers! Get help with infant care, teaching kids to clean, quick dinners, and more!
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Each month, we have one book that is featured. This means it only costs you $5! Take advantage of this great deal to add to your collection and try some delicious new recipes!
This month’s book is Simply Summer. This summer, enjoy delicious, fresh recipes, like our favorite Mexican Pork Roast, Bacon-Wrapped Chicken with Italian Salsa (yum!), and Peach Upside Down Cake. Treat your family and friends!
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Last week I wrote a post all about Mommy Judgment on the internet. It was pretty well received.
But, there was one intriguing comment, from someone who told me I really ought to clean my floors before snapping a picture. Apparently if my floors aren’t clean, she can’t take me seriously. (I’d suggest to everyone that if you won’t follow a blogger who doesn’t have their life together and their home immaculate and who is perfect, that you really ought to just stop following bloggers altogether. They are just as real as you are. They do not have it all together. They do grab a camera and snap an adorable picture of their baby even with smudges from the toddler’s recent snack still on the floor.)
There was unbelievable irony in being judged on a post about not judging people, and my readers had plenty to say about it! I’m really not trying to call this person out (hence not using any names or quotes), I was just really struck by the situation. It also inspired me to write this post, which I’ve been thinking about for a long time. How to judge others. Yes, really.
I’ve had it happen on a couple separate occasions that I was judged by someone I knew in real life. It was done privately. It was done gently. As I said, I knew the person. But I still didn’t agree with either occasion. For one, the person and I didn’t have what you’d call a close relationship. For another, I didn’t think the circumstances warranted it. (If you’re curious, in one instance, I was asked not to breastfeed in front of men, even completely covered, for fear they might realize what I was doing and get ideas. Umm…they could do the exact same thing if I left the room with a crying baby, if they were using their imaginations alone.)
But, that’s not to say that judgment is completely bad.
If your friend was doing drugs, wouldn’t you think it was okay to judge her, say that doing drugs is bad, and try to get her some help? Or if your friend was suffering from postpartum depression…was a hoarder…was cheating on her husband?
I think we can agree that there is a time and a place for judgment!
The internet is not and will never be it. Judging casual acquaintances is still wrong. Judging over different parenting choices is still wrong. We are not talking about that kind of judgment. But, sometimes there is something serious happening and yes, you need to judge, and you need to get involved.
I’m especially posting this because I think that some Christians take the judging a little too far. I’ve done it myself! But, it’s a criticism levied against us pretty regularly. Yes, it is Biblical to judge others. But it must be done very, very carefully.
This is the most important part. How to actually do it. If you do it wrong, it’s no better than the sanctimonious internet judging that goes on. If you must do it, please follow these careful steps.
The most important part: do you have a relationship with this person? How close are you? If the person you are judging is your mom, your sister, your best friend…it’s likely that you should be the one to get involved. If it’s your neighbor, that woman you talk to at your son’s karate class, or a friend you see at church every now and then, it’s probably not a good idea. You must have a close relationship with this person. You must have a foundation of love and caring built, so that when you approach the person, they see that love and care shining through your concern. This is an absolute must.
Is this really something you have to bring up? Is it truly an issue of concern? If your friend is struggling with postpartum depression, there’s no question — she needs help and you need to bring it up. But if it’s a gray area, like what constitutes ‘oversharing’ on social media, maybe this isn’t something you really need to say. (In the ‘oversharing’ case, maybe you just lightly say “I really like to only post ____” and leave it at that.) If it’s a controversial issue, then you need to be really careful. Maybe you feel very passionately that children ought to be homeschooled, vaccinated, not circumcised, or whatever, but does she need to share your passion? These are not issues that you can bring up and tell her she is wrong. You can gently suggest “Have you considered…” but you cannot actually judge. So before you do, prayerfully consider if you really should.
When you approach is critical too. Right after church or karate class when everyone’s rushing around isn’t good (not to mention it’s pretty public). At the very end of a play date isn’t a good idea either. Or, even when she’s struggling through a stressful time in her life (unless that’s what you need to approach her about — a mom with PPD is going through a stressful time but that’s not a reason to wait to help her!) might not be so great. It’s important that you have plenty of time to talk, that everyone is calm and relaxed, and that you are in private. Judgment should never, ever be public. That’s not loving concern; that’s an attack. Choose a private location in which the person will feel comfortable and relaxed to talk.
If it’s serious enough to say, it’s serious enough to approach gently. Don’t jump right in when you talk meet them. Ask how they are, talk about something neutral. Then, pause for a moment, and preface what you are about to say. ”I need to talk to you about something serious. I hope you know I love you and I’m only coming to you with this because I’m concerned about you.” Then share your concerns gently, explain carefully. Do not judge the struggle or issue harshly (ironic since we’re “judging” right?). Use lots of ‘I’ statements if possible. ”I’ve noticed you seem really unhappy lately, and you’ve seemed to be struggling since the birth of your child. I’m concerned you may be struggling from postpartum depression, and I’d like to get you some help.”
This is no time for shame. If, for example, your friend is cheating on her husband, you would not say “I know you’re cheating. That’s so horrible, how do you think he feels?” You might say, “Are you unhappy in your marriage? I’ve seen some signs that you may be seeing someone else, and I’m concerned that you might be struggling. Do you need someone to talk to? I’m happy to listen, or I can help you find a marriage counselor if you’re interested.” This is gentle help.
What I’m describing here sure doesn’t look like the “judgment” we are used to. We’re used to hearing that word and thinking something nasty, harsh, and critical. We aren’t used to judgment being gentle, loving, and out of genuine concern.
But, you know, that’s what judgment should be. Judging isn’t really judging as we know it.
The above tips are what my reader (that I mentioned in the beginning of the post) missed. She meant well. But we don’t have a relationship, she said it publicly, and it wasn’t an issue that really needed to be brought up (we all have different cleanliness ‘standards’ and that’s okay! Now, had my place been filled with piles of garbage in all directions, well…).
What we can take away from this is, if you know someone who is close to you is struggling in some way, it’s totally within your rights to approach that person and lovingly, carefully speak into their life and offer some help. It’s what we need to do sometimes, as brothers and sisters. You know — someone you love so much that you’re willing to tell them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.
If you’re judging harshly, in anger, of someone you don’t know very well — don’t. It’s not your place.
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Are you perfect?
Sometimes I wish I were. Life would be so much easier! I’d always know the right thing to say, I’d always be prepared for any situation, I’d be endlessly patient, I’d have all the answers….
Sometimes I act like I have all the answers anyway. But I don’t.
Who’s in the same boat I am? You’re confused sometimes, you need some help, you sort of wish you were perfect or at least that others kind of thought you were…. It would be nice. But thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way.
We’re all real mothers, though, not fantasy-perfect mothers. We don’t know what the answer is, we get mad, we find ourselves at a loss on how to deal with kid behavior. (We are dealing with “creative story telling,” AKA “lying” right now. I’m told this is common in older preschoolers to younger elementary kids. I wish there was a magic answer to that but all the experienced moms around me tell me to keep talking about the difference between true and not true, and reminding the kids that if they tell me things that aren’t true, I can’t be sure whether or not to believe them. And that this, too, shall pass. I hope.)
If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation like this before — kids going through some phase and you’re not sure how to proceed and are just hoping it doesn’t last forever — you’ll enjoy this.
There is an excellent collection of books on motherhood, over 35 of them, on sale right now. The collection is worth over $500 but you can buy it for just $29.97, only through tonight.
All the details are here.
More on some of the excellent infant-care resources here.
Today is your very last chance for this, though. If motherhood is at the top of your priority list and you could use some advice from “been there, done that” moms, you won’t find it at this price again.
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Is a bucket list really health or wellness? I think it is.
We all spend so much time rushing around, trying to get everything done. We work a lot. We go from activity to activity. Maybe sometimes we need a little less work-and-run, and a little more fun.
With that in mind, we’ve created our summer bucket list. A list of fun, usually simple activities that we want to do, some multiple times. Some are sort of learning activities, but some are just plain fun. Many will make for lazy mornings or afternoons (at least for the kids!).
This is also part of my plan to enjoy the kids more. They will not be little for long. I don’t want to look back and remember telling them “Go play, Mommy has to work.” I want to look back and remember that I spent a lot of time with them. We’ve actually been pretty busy knocking things off this list already, and it’s only the middle of June, so I’d say we’re doing pretty well. 
We have a lake beach about 20 minutes away from us. We’d like to go at least a couple of times this summer! The kids love to play in the water (there are even tiny waves lapping at the shore), dig in the sand, and hit the playground nearby.
We have a couple of creeks in mind. Or really, it’s one creek, but it’s long and there are two different parks and “spots” to wade in. We’ll hit both at different times, and they’ll bring fishing nets and bathing suits. Last time we wandered back near one creek (a few weeks ago), my daughter “accidentally” fell in and then “had” to do a little swimming! They love this.
We have lots of nice water fountains near us, so we’ll go to the closest ones several times (already been once) and the further ones at least once. We haven’t been to the further ones (about 30 min. away) since 2009, I think! It’s been awhile. But we will make it this year.
A rare picture of my husband! Family trip to The Works.
This is a children’s museum near us. We’ve already been twice, but I’d like to go at least once a month. They have neat little workshops for preschool – early elementary kids, plus lots of great hands-on activities. On our last visit, over the weekend, a guy had a Lego robotics car that could pick up these little objects, and he let the kids drive it around a bit.
I’d like to start going to the library at least every other week. We’ll get our favorite stories to read together before bed and participate in some of the library’s summer programs.
In July, we’ll go blueberry picking! The kids will mostly be running around outside and eating, of course, but we’ll go and enjoy ourselves, and all the fresh blueberries. We’ll take a bunch home to freeze for later in the year too. They are probably our favorite.
We are lucky to have a place called Jeni’s Ice Cream near us. It’s made with grass-fed cream and organic, local ingredients. We go for birthdays and more in the summer, for fun. We’ve already been twice! (Both good and bad, they just opened one up really close to us. Like 5 minutes away. We used to have to drive 20 or so, and went much less often.) My oldest son is already looking forward to going for his birthday in about a month — he’ll be 4.
I always loved seeing fireworks when I was a kid. I hope to take our kids this summer to watch them. I took all three by myself last year and we sat on a blanket and stayed up late and watched them. It was interesting, because I had a new walker then.
This summer, we intend to have lots of playdates — both ones we host, and ones we attend. We’re hoping to host a Messy Art Day soon! We will also have friends join us for many of the above activities.
A bit blurry, but a cute picture of our first zoo trip!
We have a membership so we plan to go to the zoo once or twice a month. We’ve already been three times this year. There’s a new dinosaur exhibit, but non-walkers can go (it’s a boat ride) and younger kids have to have one adult per child. We hope to go back with grandparents soon so that all of us can enjoy the new exhibit!
We pick up most of our farm items directly from a farmer, but we’ll go to the market once or twice, to wander around, and pick up a few interesting-looking items. Most likely I’ll choose to set aside about $10 from our grocery budget and we’ll let the kids help us pick whatever they want (with some gentle guidance! Something we can all eat, not a pastry for one person) and work on our math skills, and cook together when we get home.
These are all super fun activities that I can’t wait to do with the kids. Several we have already done, and will do again! If I didn’t have a list of activities I want to do, I’d let the lazy summer days slip right on by without doing anything, and I’d miss out on all the fun of the water games, the zoo animals, the fresh seasonal produce, and more. We want to love the summer and enjoy our time together!
In the fall, we’ll have a brand new bucket list….
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New moms are often exhausted, and uncertain. Babies can cry from hardly at all, to seemingly all the time. It’s hard on parents when babies cry a lot — we’re programmed to want to fix it and sometimes that’s not so easy. After the usual changing, feeding, and sleeping have been tried, what’s left?
Lots of stuff, as it happens. But these things may not be so obvious, especially to the inexperienced parent. I’ve learned a lot of interesting reasons why babies cry with my four, and through talking to several other experienced mothers. The reasons may surprise you — but hopefully result in a more peaceful home!
Babies cry to communicate. For the first few weeks, it is the only thing they can do. By the time they are two months old or so, they can also communicate through squirming, grimacing, smiling, cooing, etc. When babies intensely stare at you and coo and smile, they are trying to tell you something!
Babies do not cry “to exercise their lungs.” They do not cry for the sake of crying. They cry because they need something from you. Until they are much older (6 to 8 months at least) they do not cry for “wants” because they have no concept of this. They only have real needs. Older babies and toddlers can certainly cry because they don’t get what they want, or even fake cry to try to get their way! But what a 2-year-old does and what a young baby does are very different.
Today I’m focusing on young babies. They can be the most mystifying for parents because they have such limited ways to tell you what’s wrong, and when they’re really new, it’s hard to even know what’s normal!
The most important thing to understand is that babies cry for a reason. They never cry “just because.” If you believe that, then your job is to be a detective and figure out the reason.
Obviously, parents should check the obvious first — hungry, tired, wet diaper. But if these don’t work, there are plenty of other reasons why babies cry!
Sometimes a baby refuses to eat even though it seems likely that s/he is hungry. It can happen, especially during growth spurts, that s/he is so frustrated with milk not letting down fast enough that he will not nurse despite true hunger. Getting skin-to-skin with baby or getting into a bath together can relax baby enough to actually eat patiently, and thus, stop crying.
An overtired baby can’t settle down. Check out my tips on getting babies to sleep for more ideas on how to solve this problem. Little babies with not much coordination might not show “typical” signs of sleepiness, like yawning, eye-rubbing, etc. By three months tiredness signs should be more obvious. Some babies struggle more with tiredness than others. When I am very tired, I feel very twitchy and have trouble settling down, and I have noticed that in one of my babies too. The ‘twitchiness’ is hard because he can’t calm himself down to sleep very easily.
Some babies struggle with gas pains. Squirming a lot is usually a sign of discomfort and this may be the reason why. Bicycling baby’s legs or offering gripe water can help with this, as well as burping.
Some babies go beyond ‘normal’ gas pains and scream during or after feedings. They may squirm and act as though in agony. They may latch on to nurse and choke (even though there’s not too much milk or anything to cause choking) and pop off to scream. They may refuse to eat, even though they seem hungry. They may spit up or even vomit. They may seem overly gassy or have diarrhea too. It can be extreme or it can be subtle. If baby is fussy about eating and is sleeping fitfully or not all, crying, gassy, and squirming with discomfort, then a food allergy may be the culprit.
Sometimes, a baby’s clothing is uncomfortable, even if it doesn’t seem like it should be. Some babies are very sensitive to textures, and they may not like the feel of certain types of fabric. Or, the clothing could be on the small side and feel too constricting. Or a thread could be caught around a toe. A diaper could be strapped too tightly. Try removing the clothing, loosening the diaper, changing to a different outfit. Baby could be too hot or cold in the clothing, too. One of mine will cry if the outfit is too cold even if wrapped in a blanket.
Baby can’t go anywhere, but by a month or so, s/he is awake and can smile and would like to interact with you. Since baby can’t do much, it’s easy to simply sit him nearby or curl him in your arms and go about your day. But sometimes baby wants to play! My older two boys would cry until someone talked to them and were never quite settled until they were mobile and could amuse themselves. Nathan loves to “talk” (more than any little baby I have seen!) and wants to be facing someone so he can ‘play’ with them. If awake, he hates to be worn because he can’t see anything.
Birth is a really tight squeeze and worse if pushing is extended. Baby’s head can be molded and the spine can become misaligned. A good pediatric chiropractor or cranial sacral therapist can help correct these issues and relieve any pressure or pain baby is feeling. Although we haven’t had this in our little babies, we know people who have. Also, one of our older ones sometimes has accidents if his spine is misaligned, and a quick adjustment fixes this.
Babies know who their mother is initially by smell. At birth, your breasts produce an oily substance that smells the same as the amniotic fluid, which is how baby instinctually finds your breast — the smell on his/her hands leads to the same smell on the breasts. Some babies that I have known would cry if anything covered up their mother’s natural scent, because it confused them. That means perfumes, lotions, strong soaps, etc. Some moms found if they took a shower with mild-smelling soap that their babies would stop crying.
Some babies don’t like chaos and noise, and if there is a lot around them, they become overwhelmed. This might be seen at a party, if everyone wants to give the baby a snuggle. Remove the baby from the busy room and head somewhere quiet, and snuggle baby yourself. This usually stops this sort of crying.
This is not an exhaustive list, but some additional ideas to help you figure out why your baby is unhappy!
There are two days left to buy the Natural Mothering bundle and get access to over 35 excellent resources for $29.97.
We’ll be looking into the chore charts and systems. Our kids already clean pretty well, but we’d like to get regular chores more organized and begin a rewards system with them. You’ll find tips and hints on how to do this in the bundle.
For my older kids, I was also looking at The Family Dinner Project. The recipes are not truly real food (they use a lot of white flour, Jell-o, stuff like that), but the ideas for themed dinners are super cute. June’s is for a picnic and I think we’ll borrow it! My kids love picnics.
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When I first started blogging, over 3 1/2 years ago now, I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of Mommy Judgment I encountered. When you put something out there, some people think it’s perfectly acceptable to lash out and judge it, sometimes very harshly. I’ve been told I’m a terrible mother, my kids should be taken away, I don’t love them, and lots more — all over silly things like what I ought to be feeding them or what medical decisions I ought to make.
It was really hurtful at first. I wanted to argue, yell, justify myself, explain to people how I felt and why I made the choices I did. I sought their approval!
Anyone who’s ever participated in any online discussion has experienced this. Everyone has felt judged and angry and engaged in a fight with strangers over the “right” parenting choice. It’s silly — but I understand why it happens.
Although I love being a mother and wouldn’t trade it for anything, I admit it can be very stressful.
Parenting is the only job that is 24/7, with no vacation days, no sick days, no regular breaks, and the inability to quit. Once you have children, that’s it. Any other job, no matter how stressful when you’re “on” allows you time away, breaks, vacations, and you can choose to quit if it isn’t for you.
When we are under a lot of stress, we sometimes say and do things we never imagined. As parents, we may do or say things by accident or by design (if faced with circumstances we never imagined) that seem unbelievable, that in a perfect world would never occur. And these things might be as innocent as choosing to share a bed with your baby when you always considered yourself an “I need my space” person, or it could be as dark as screaming or hurting your child. Everyone faces something unexpected.
Parenting also brings up our feelings about our own childhood. We think we ought to be “over” it sometimes. We think we can be as good as our parents. We think a lot of things — that may not necessarily play out as we’d imagined.
Really, in many ways, we feel deeply insecure about parenting. We really don’t know the “right” answer in many cases. We hope we’re doing a good enough job and not screwing up too much. We have constantly conflicting feelings about if we’re really on the right path, or if another way might be better. After all, parenting is also the most important job. You only get one shot at it, and the effects will literally make someone else’s life.
Then, you put a bunch of overwhelmed, tired, stressed-out parents in a virtual room together, where they cannot see anyone else and it feels like words on a screen. And it all breaks loose.
Nathan at 11 weeks. Irrelevant, but adorable!
We’re programmed to seek approval. We want people to like us and agree with us. We want validation that we’re doing this mothering thing pretty well, even if we’re not perfect. We want understanding.
And so, someone “puts it out there” with a question or a thought about mothering. This discussion quickly evokes strong feelings in others, especially if it’s on a controversial topic (breast vs. formula, homeschooling vs. public school, vaccines, etc.), but sometimes even if it seems innocuous. I’ve seen people fight viciously over whether or not it’s okay for a toddler to eat a lollipop!
It’s easy to read someone’s words online, not being able to tell “tone” or mood, and misinterpret them. Everybody reads comments and articles through their own lense of experience. Things that maybe weren’t intended to be upsetting, are. And if there’s something that you’re personally struggling with, that you might already be uncertain of, or feel guilty about, it’s easy to feel judged even if that was not the intention.
When someone feels judged, they lash out. They judge others. They’re trying to justify their own choices in many cases to make themselves feel better. They may be conflicted: “Did I make the right choice? Was there something I didn’t know, something else I should have tried?” They may even feel guilty that they can’t “do it all,” even though that is impossible. It’s made worse by the fog of sleep deprivation, stress, and so on too.
When we feel judged, it’s hard to think “To each his own.” Even if we believe that, we don’t feel very charitable when others don’t seem to reciprocate that belief. I once got myself in big trouble a few years ago for saying “If anything, it’s parents who do vaccinate that are abusing their kids.” I didn’t and don’t believe any such thing! But I was feeling very, very hurt that someone suggested that I was abusing my kids because I had made a different choice than they had.
More than ever before, we parent in a fish bowl, so to speak. Where before public parenting only occurred in public places, it now occurs on the internet.
We blog about parenting (like I am right now). We share pictures and Facebook updates. We participate in message boards. We are all, to some extent, in the spotlight.
The best and worst part about it is putting our best moments out there. We might inspire someone else, or give someone joy to see our happiness. Family and friends who don’t live close can watch our families grow!
On the other hand, we get a skewed perspective. We don’t see the bad parts, the tense moments. Nobody says “I screamed at my kids all morning and threatened to take all their clothes and toys away if they don’t keep them off my floors because I didn’t get any sleep last night” even if that’s what happened. We can be left feeling isolated, like *we* are the only mom struggling.
It’s even worse because I’ve noted that sometimes if a mom does post something negative about her kids/parenting, some think social media isn’t the place for that, and judge her for having done it. She’s more likely to put on a “happy face” and only post positive updates in the future, even if she’s struggling, for fear of being judged again.
Who’s to say what the right answer is? Our children will be the first to grow up with such a heavy social media presence. There are no guidelines here. We don’t know how it will affect them. Likely it will depend on the individual.
Every person out there is a messy, complicated individual, with a messy, complicated family life. Everyone has their own experiences and set of strong beliefs. Everyone has bad days, hypocritical moments, and harsh thoughts.
Put millions of complicated people all together, and you get The Mommy Wars.
But truly, it’s not you, it’s them. If someone judges you, especially if they are harsh or rude, it’s not about you. It’s about their own complicated feelings. You don’t have to answer. You don’t have to justify yourself. You don’t need their approval!
It’s hard to be judged. It’s hurtful. But next time it happens, don’t snap back. Don’t say something in anger you’ll later regret. Don’t seek approval from those who don’t really matter. Walk away, take a deep breath, and remember this:
I am a good mom. I am a unique person and so are my kids. No one else has quite the same situation. No one else can fully understand. I do the best job and make the best choices I can. I love my kids and they love me. This is what matters; others’ opinions do not.
Go be a great mom.
And don’t forget about the Natural Mothering Bundle. There are just three days left to buy!
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